MollyMadonna.com

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no need to hurry. (77)

If only I could make myself believe that some days.

But we’re always onto the next thing, aren’t we? The next project, the next purchase, the next to do on the list? I’m guilty of this daily, and it’s this pace I sometimes keep that challenges exactly all of the things I was talking about here yesterday. “Make it stop!!” I keep thinking. I just have to work on the right place to begin.

Because I think I’m often so focused on the “what’s next?” that I miss the here and now. And all I really have for sure this side of Heaven is precisely this–the here and now. I’m not saying there’s no need to prepare for the future. I’m not saying it at all. But what I am saying is that I can get so caught up in what if’s and plans and possibilities and worries and commitments and self-imposed obligations that I miss the boat. Oh, you can bet I do!

I am only as focused as the very next thing sometimes, and I’m growing more programmed all the time to default to this. With everything at the touch of a button and the world at my fingertips through a tiny little box we foolishly just call a phone…

But it’s not just that. It’s emails and Facebook and twitter and ads. Sales! And For a Limited Time Onlys! And reminders flying left and right. When my two year old hears a real phone ringing in a restaurant and asks, “What’s that sound, Mommy?” I can’t help but think maybe we’re getting this all wrong sometimes. There was value in the phone that stayed on the wall and only got answered when we were home. There was value in the (maybe) weekly trip to the store for what the household needed–no more, no less. Nothing was really instant or immediate, and everyone survived. The clutter was a bit less like constant static.

And I know that I’m feeling this sense of encroachment on my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual space because I’ve allowed it all in. What’s more, it has begun to feel normal. If we can’t get it, know it, find out about it, or share it in sixty seconds or less these days, the medium feels slow. What. Has. Happened?

So I’m saying I’m making an effort to, slowly but surely, reduce this reality in my life. I so desperately want there to be more room in my days for quiet. For thinking. For deep relationship and genuine interaction, face to face. I have these things, yes–and I’m blessed by them. But I need more of them and less of the rushing, hurrying, scurrying, clamoring, striving, racing, crazy that life is becoming. I don’t want my children to know this pace of life as the norm. I truly don’t.

We’ve already turned off our T.V. A long time ago, really. It was a good step, and I don’t miss it at all. Just another portal into a world that eats up the world I’m trying to create here in this little blue house, and we don’t need it. So what’s next? Maybe more limited phone (browsing) time for yours truly, or a step away from FB again (forever, someday?), or a commitment to an entire hour of quiet somehow, daily?

Something. Because it’s all happening, and it’s true that a big part of me hates it. What’s more, I love and value so many of the things that busyness has replaced (writing letters, spending a whole day in the kitchen, drafting poetry, learning a new skill, swinging on a porch, really pressing in and not just praying, but truly listening for God–then giving Him room and time to speak). The only thing I really need to hurry about is the pace at which I pursue slowing down. I’m feeling really convicted and convinced of that.

As it turns out, this season of pregnancy is becoming more and more about self-reflection and introspection as I prepare my heart for what’s next. It seems I remember my last pregnancy doing something similar. It really is a beautiful phase of life for so many reasons. Eleven weeks (or so) left to savor and glean.

here. goes.

mm

photo credit to Ann Voskamp. love her.

image credit to Ann Voskamp. love her.

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in the quiet place. (78)

Besides the train horns blowing every once and a while a few miles away, it is unbelievably quiet here. The dog sighs occasionally, and I’m actually aware of it–only the sounds of the house and the click of my keyboard fill up the remaining, hanging space. I have grown to love the busyness and animation of our noisy, toddler-driven house in the day today, but at the end of this week, the quiet is most welcome. It is exactly everything I haven’t taken pause to notice I needed.

I’m afraid I’m not making or finding enough time to get quiet and recharge. Left unrealized, this seems like dangerous territory–somewhat like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I know this because I’ve felt it rising. It’s been creeping up slowly, and I hear it in my responses to H, in my ramblings of the days’ happenings to Jason, and wildly in my head amidst all of the things I think and do not say. It’s fortunate that my mouth has remained shut in some situations, and sheerly disappointing that I’ve not opened up and just been plainly honest in others. I am battling a war between my people-pleasing, peace-keeping, fearful side and the advocating, protecting, Truth-driven part of me that’s itching terribly to surface. And somewhere, there’s a balance.

I sat in the living room across from a friend today who has an incredible ability to help me see myself for who I am. She is an amazing listener, a beautiful encourager, and a powerfully honest person whose God-fearing, spirit-filled life leads me to a place of healthy vulnerability and honesty every time we meet. There is no pretending here, on any level. And the longer we sit face to face as life permits us, the more we find we share in common–our pasts, although not the same, are crazily woven together in a way I believe God uses to shed light and Truth and freedom. I find myself in tears every time we talk, and she celebrates them. We both do. And I’m always left feeling lighter and thinking in a way that’s more true to who God is calling me to be. I pray that my friendship to her is as refreshing in return as hers is to me. I’m so grateful.

And I share this because our dialogue today has me thinking at full speed and desiring more quiet and space to think even further, to pray, to get really, really honest, and to push through the muck to whatever God has for me–for our family, in this chapter. It’s possible that I just coast through a lot of days and manage to balance what’s right in front of me, without really realizing what’s to the side, what’s behind, what’s above. I know that God wants to give me direction–that He craves my attention the same way I crave His. I’m just not sure I give Him anywhere enough time to do what He wants to with my heart. I think I’ve done so in seasons, but not well as of late. And I don’t want to just barrel through the next several months to a place of new vulnerability and adjustment and change without resetting my sights on what God is saying, doing, ordering in my life.

So. There’s probably a lot of work to be done. Right here. Where I am. And I need to be honest with myself, and particularly honest with others, and I know sometimes that honesty is going to be hard. But my heart is to serve my family as a wife and mom to my best and fullest capacity, and when my tank is empty, I’m not so great at this at all. All of the little (and big) things that drain said tank, drop by drop, can sit buried and linger. Or they can surface and be real and be dealt with to clear some room, reset my system. In this space and time as I parent a toddler, grow a soon-to-be newborn, love my husband, care for our home, and attempt to maintain, grow, and nurture relationships all around me, I’m going to have to be honest. First with myself, and then with those closest to me. And I need to stop making so much time for apologies and guilt and second guesses where they are undue, instead utilizing that energy to clear a path for health and wholeness and joy inside this little heart of mine.

i pray that God would begin the work and show me where i need to go. opening up my hands again and pursuing Truth as i dance the dance.

mm

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winding down. (79)

Today was a full day, and the babe must have sensed it was one for keeping busy, because busy he or she has been! To represent these days and weeks accurately, I’ll do best tonight just to admit that I’m pretty wiped out after a long and productive day. I continue to stay optimistic that I can hang on to some serious energy for at least the next few weeks, but I know I’m going to have to pick my battles. Blogging this evening may not be one of them I choose to fight 😉

When I left the house for work this morning, H cried and tried to keep me from leaving the gate at the back door. We’re pretty much over this most days, but for some reason, today was an exception. We exchanged extra kisses and hugs, and I promised him he’d have a fun day (we have an amazing sitter!) while I was gone. I went to work, had meetings here and there, plugged in my adult brain for the day, and returned home to a sweet boy, ready to greet me at the door. The very first thing he told me about his day was that he cried when I left, that he gave me two kisses, and that I had to go to work. Yep. It’s true. And I’m happy to say we all made it through. I thought it was so cute that H remembered how he’d been feeling this morning and wanted to tell me about it. Whoever believes that little boys aren’t just adorably sweet has clearly not had an encounter with a doting two year old 🙂 We snuggled up in the living room with a pile of library books, and when dad got home, we all fit ourselves on the couch together and read away, happy to be home as a family at the end of a longish Thursday.

Now I’m just kind of letting my brain go, gearing up for weekend time and looking forward to making more progress on baby-related things over the next few days. Throw in the farmer’s market on Saturday, church on Sunday, and a few other items on the agenda here and there, and it promises to fly by as most do in the summertime. Beautiful and brimming with activity, but all too short.

I’ve no infinite motherly wisdom to offer tonight, not much else to say. Just that it’s a good evening for leaning back and easing into bedtime before starting over again tomorrow.

cheers to a busy belly, a sentimental boy, and a stack of “you want to read this to me?!” library books. it’s a wonderful life.

mm

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wonderful wednesdays. (80)

Um, 80. 80! I’m on the fence today about how fast or slow this baby is making his/her way into the world 😉 I’m so amazed at the whole process, and tonight, I really can’t decide if I’m thrilled by our 11 week countdown, or slightly panicked–there’s so much to do! Perhaps I’m experiencing a healthy combination of both, and a sense of urgency that will be enough to motivate me in my productivity for the next several weeks. Goodness knows I’m not going to be running around here with a toddler-like energy two months from now. (Although if you know me, you might call my bluff on this. I sort of get a thrill out of working under pressure to make everything come together at the exact right moment. It’s the party planner in me, I think.) Regardless, we’re having a baby! I’m super excited to be mama to two, and to get to explore the world with big brother H and our newest little munchkin!

A few weeks back when the farmer’s market officially came to town for the Summer/Fall season, I decided that Henry and I needed a little something special to mark the days and weeks until baby’s arrival. As much as I’m thrilled to be a family of four, I also know I’m going to miss our mommy and Henry times, when we head out and have little adventures all to ourselves. I get a little choked up just thinking about it. You can bet I’ll still prioritize those moments after we’re settled in with baby. I can’t get enough of my little buddy!

Since the farmer’s market takes place on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and since Saturdays are “weekend time!” and fun days with daddy, I declared this the Summer of Wonderful Wednesdays for H and me. The timing is great mid-week–especially as I work on Thursdays and miss my Bug a bit on my days out of the house. When we started our plan, I counted a potential fifteen Wonderful Wednesdays before baby is due. Each Wednesday morning, we head downtown to pick out a few treats (ie. fruit, veggies, flowers, bread, honey) to round out our menu for the week and to fill up the fridge and pantry with fresh, local delights. I love watching H at the farmer’s market–particularly as he learns more and more about different foods, plants, and flowers. It’s an education every week, and we both enjoy the leisurely stroll it takes for us to get all the way down to one end of the market and back again. Side by side with a trip to the market, we pay our obligatory visit to the local coffee shop for “a bagel and dip!” (and a latte for mom:). I love that Henry has his favorite chair, that he cozies up in it every week like he’s perfectly at home, and that this little hour of joy has made it into the fabric of our weekly routines. Sometimes we bring a book, sometimes cars to play with, and sometimes, we just sit quietly and ease into our morning. It’s a beautiful thing for this mama who’s trying to savor all of this time with my boy.

After coffee and a bagel and the market, there’s always something else fun to do. Occasionally we meet up with other friends, pay a visit to the library, or wander to a park or outside to explore what’s happening in the world. We admire cars and notice all of the trucks that go by. Summertime is a great time to wander past construction sites and to follow ants down the sidewalk…there’s never a shortage of things to do!

Wonderful Wednesdays haven’t necessarily changed the fabric of our weeks an incredible amount, but they have helped me to focus on making sure we’re taking time–for the sake of taking time. It’s so important to me that I’m not always rushing around with H from one thing to the next, and although it feels that way sometimes, I know we’re being intentional to slow down and go at a toddler pace here and there. I love it when we do. I can’t believe we’re already down to a potential eleven Wonderful Wednesdays, but time is passing quickly. You can bet we’ll be soaking it up as much as we can from now until August, and then, we’ll have to come up with another great way to spend our one-on-one time. It’s such a treasure to live somewhere that has so much to offer young families like ours!

I’m wrapping up this particular Wonderful Wednesday in the quiet of the living room. H is sound asleep upstairs, J is out with a friend, and baby and I have just been enjoying our own version of one-on-one time together. He or she is busy in my belly, but as I’ve sat here typing away and talking to the babe, it’s been amazing to notice how his or her movement changes with my activity. I can feel the little one quite clearly through the bump, and it’s pretty surreal to have my hand on this sweet baby, knowing that before long we’ll be cuddled up and snuggled together in the day to day. I’m loving these quiet moments and the opportunities God keeps giving me to reflect and enjoy. So grateful for this life, for Wonderful Wednesdays, and for all that a day filled with simple pleasures can hold…

blessed to the brim,

mm

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the dreaded orange drink (and other additives). (81)

I ventured out to the dr. today for my 28 week visit and the highly anticipated, standard glucose screen. This is, of course, my favorite medical appointment in pregnancy, because the joy of drinking 10 oz. of overly sugary, non-carbonated, orange goodness is almost more than I can stand. It’s just such a treat! As I read the label before consuming my mid-morning refreshment, I was disturbed (although not shocked) by its contents. My favorite? Natural Flavorings and Yellow 6. Really? Yellow 6? Does making the beverage orange increase any of its appeal?

For this mama, the answer is absolutely not. It’s totally perplexing to me that the healthcare industry thinks it brilliant to offer its pregnant population such an admirable choice when it comes to this kind of thing. Now, I don’t get on my whole foods/raw foods/organic foods soapbox very often, and I certainly do it with little frequency here on the blog. But. I’ve done my level best to eliminate colors by number (and other such offenders) from our diets for some time now, and (I think) for good reason. I come across articles and legislation and packaging every day that make me wonder with regularity, “What on earth is happening to our food?!” And I think the answers are terribly frightening.

I could go on for a long time about why we try to hard to keep certain things (ok, lots of things) off of the table and out of our pantry these days. Just see my kid after a whole foods based meal, versus after a few too many bites of ice cream or anything else sugary or processed. Plain and simple, it’s just. not. worth. it. At least as far as I can see it. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have the occasional treat, or that our family is the perfect picture of health at all times. It just means that I’ve grown accustomed to reading labels and taking our consumption (food, body care products, baby items, and the like) pretty seriously. I know some people think I’m a bit out there for doing so, and others are much further along the curve than I am (I generally envy their knowledge and clean living savvy). Regardless of where people are on the continuum, I think it’s super important these days that we’re all owning our health and the choices that impact it on both a daily and lifelong basis. This will continue to be a consistent effort for me in the time to come. There’s always more information available, and certainly, so much more we can do to make sure that we’re consuming responsibly–for our bodies, our minds, our communities, and the environment. So much more.

At any rate, I begrudgingly drank the obligatory orange stuff (read: garbage) that made me sick to my stomach not minutes later, and trudged on over to my appt. Try as I might, it honestly did make me a bit cranky (just saying). Quite thankfully, I “passed” the test and all of the other necessary counts for the day, and it seems as though the babe and I are fairly agreeable with one another on a physical and physiological level. Phew. Scratch that three hour screen off the list (at least this time around:).

I’m trying so hard not to be crabby about anything pregnancy related, I really, truly am. Especially after last year and now having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby–I couldn’t (and shouldn’t) ask for a whole lot more. So please bear with me when I’m just terribly honest and needing a space to air my baby-carrying thoughts. And please also know that I am overjoyed and still in awe of this process–as much as possible, and every day. Still, I’m human (and growing a human), and sometimes things get to you in a way that they otherwise wouldn’t sans pregnancy hormones. I think that’s alright. I want the Button to look back on these crazy 100 days entries and know that his or her mama is real, authentic, sometimes vulnerable. I actually think there’s a whole lot of health in that!

detoxing tonight (kidding!). but perhaps unwinding from a somewhat challenging and edgy day for yours truly. here’s to wonderful wednesday tomorrow–it promises to be looking up!

mm

Some helpful and wonderful links if you’re walking down a similar road to health (or aspiring to), or just wanting a little more info:

–Healthy Child, Healthy World

(check our their newest infographic on food and the farming industry here:

–Healthy Child’s Farm to Fork Infographic

–The Honest Company (A personal favorite for household, bath and baby products that are safe for our bodies and kiddos)

–gDiapers (There are LOTS of great cloth diapering companies and products out there these days. I just love what these guys are doing and how they approach cloth and the environment)

–Vine.com (Great place to shop products and companies with a bent towards all natural goodness 🙂

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Happy (and healthy) browsing!