MollyMadonna.com

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juggling lessons.

Thirty eight. The number of days that have passed since my last visit here to the blog. And I miss it–oh, do I miss it! But life has left little room for screen time these days, and I shouldn’t complain. Tomorrow our Eloise will be ten weeks old. Ten! I might as well be staring down her first birthday it’s so surreal. I feel like we’ve been in a vacuum, all of us, and Eloise is brand new and part of the furniture at the same time.

Nearly as much as we were attached pre-birth, E is still attached in every possible way. Unlike her brother, who was ready (and happier) to be in his own bed at four weeks, Eloise is still rooming in with us nightly. What’s more, she wants to be held. Held, held, held. Night and day. In and out of weeks. At every possible moment. I can’t blame her, being so little and all. In a way, it’s nice to be so needed and wanted by our little girl. I adore her. And it’s endearing and cuddly and beautiful and sweet, but sometimes, it’s just plain hard, too. Thing is: I know this is going to pass. One day, I’ll wake up and she’ll hardly need me at all. This will all feel like it was ages ago, and I’ll wish I could throw thing into reverse to be so connected to my baby girl again.

So. Our days have had some modifications. And I’ve had to recalculate my expectations–especially of myself and my capacity on most levels. Turns out I can only get so much done with one hand free. It also turns out that one hand free has become kind of a bonus. Like right now. It may take twice as long, but I can blog with one hand free. Excellent. I’ve discovered I can also brush my teeth, make meals (oh so very slowly), snuggle with Henry, make the bed, play with cars, and if I have absolutely have to, use the bathroom. So long as I can bounce or cradle or nurse a baby at the same time, we’re good to go.

I always envisioned being this expert baby-wearer who whipped up amazing meals and played with my kids and cleaned the whole house and managed a job–all while comforting the littlest of the family, hands free. Between two babies, I’ve tried and returned three wraps, given up on two slings, and decided the Ergo is only a true friend once we’re past the “infant insert” stage. Turns out I’m way more successful at baby carrying…building great upper arm strength while testing my neck, shoulders, patience and stamina for amazing lengths of time (and particularly between the hours of 8pm and 2am). Yes. I imagined something very different. But I wouldn’t trade our kiddos or this baby time for anything else, regardless.

Some days I wonder if I’m crazy for attempting to do things like keep up with cloth diapering or make handmade Halloween costumes for the kiddos in this one-handed season. Doing so means keeping wild hours and getting unbelievably crafty with my time management and juggling skills. It has also meant accepting help when it’s offered, coming to very real terms with imperfection, and learning way more about extending grace to myself and to others.

Am I the poster girl for having it all together as of late? Nope. Not really at all. But my family is well-loved, and Eloise is fed and comforted around the clock. And there’s still time to laugh with Henry and to celebrate motherhood and to sneak in a really quick shower, so for now, it’s good enough. My margins are smaller, but my heart feels bigger. I have room where I make it, which has caused me to get really real most days and to prioritize what matters most. For this reason, I’m back here typing one handed, so  years from now I can remember what this time in our lives felt like. And for the same reason there are dishes in the sink and the diapers are waiting…Henry’s Sid the Science Kid wig is nearly crocheted on the table next to me, the baby is in my lap cooing, thank you notes are piling up to express all of the beauty, the thoughtfulness, the gratitude for so many offered extra hands…

recalibrating daily,

mm

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midnight snack.

Milk for you. Cheerios and blueberries for me. Just in case you ever wonder when we started having sleepovers–we didn’t wait one bit. You and me? We’re having a pajama party every night these days. Loving this snugly time with you when you’re just a bundle of scrunchy, warm love in my arms.

We pretty much exist in our own little world at this time of day–you, making sleepy-eyed faces at me and I, singing made up songs and trying to learn you in every move and detail. I’m fairly certain we get along alright so far. 🙂

loving you at every hour of the day and admiring your pretty little face,

your mama

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it’s on. (8)

When I started this 100 day countdown during my pregnancy with Henry, I never really thought about not making it all the way to my 100th post. That is, until I was in labor with six entries to go. I was determined then to blog that day and not miss a beat. I still don’t know if that was rash, or sensible, or just a good distraction for me between contractions. Regardless, I love having the account of that day on record, and it’s still a funny story to tell when J and I relive Henry’s birth if someone asks.

Now, I’ve been sort of teetering between just hoping and then somewhat expecting this second baby to arrive early…not just because H did, but because he was nine pounds when he made his entrance. I think it’s been easier for me to imagine that baby #2 would be early and no bigger than his or her older brother, but I know there’s not really a science to it in the end. Some second babies follow suit after their siblings. Some, not at all. Some subsequent babies are bigger, some are smaller–it’s just too hard to know for sure. Even so, I’ve been hopeful that I wouldn’t be twiddling my thumbs trying to drown out curiosity on days six, five, four…minus two. Besides, I’m just dying to know if we have a little brother or a little sister tucked in here, and the waiting is wonderful but SO hard.

As I look at the above eight day countdown, I can’t help but wonder whether baby no. 1 or baby no. 2 will carry the record for longest number of days in utero. I’m not trying to tempt this little one, but it will be interesting to see what happens. Labor and delivery seem so tangible now, and yet so far away. Every day I’m just trying to plan something that’s a distraction or a good use of time–to keep my mind off of things, and also to fit in little projects and such that I’ll be glad to have done already when I’m toting a newborn and trailing a toddler. The days ahead are sure to be marvelous and memory-filled, but probably also a bit hazy and sleepy and overwhelming at times. I know that regardless, my heart will be very, very full.

So the race is on. Will baby no. 2 outstay Henry’s residence in this belly of mine? If so, by how many days? Will I be blogging into negative numbers next weekend? Only our good and gracious creator knows, and there’s no doubt He has a plan better than any I could think up or envision on my own.

have patience, mm. have patience. maybe this will become my labor mantra 😉

molly madonna

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in a (honey) nutshell. (13)

At this very moment, I am eating my second smallish bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for the day. I rarely eat cereal anymore, except, apparently, in the last six weeks or so of pregnancy (when I eat a bowl nightly to attempt avoiding 3am hunger pangs). I tried rotating in all of the super healthy, crunchy granola type cereal I’d otherwise choose, but at this point, Honey Nut Cheerios are the thing. I don’t have very many pregnancy cravings. I guess this would be the big one.

Jason is out for a run as I type this, and when he gets back, there’s Captain Sundae waiting for us in the freezer. I’m going to eat that, too…and guilt free, because we’re in the home stretch here and it sounds delicious. I pushed the dairy-free, refined sugar-free thing pretty hard for most of this pregnancy. Turns out a little slipping up here and there does not seem to impact (or cause) any re-occurring headaches at this point, so I’m cutting myself some slack. That, and my body was aching for calcium, despite all of the whole foods sources and amazing vitamins and supplements I take. Baby needs what baby needs.

And on the subject of baby, the tiniest of the bunch is currently hiccuping to get my attention. He or she has had my attention all along (and should hopefully know this by now), but this weekend has been full of attention getting behavior on the Button’s part, so it’s clear we’re gearing up for some big event in utero. I can’t imagine what that might be…

The eldest of the tiny bunch was vying for my attention tonight as well–he nearly hyperventilated upstairs from crying so hard that he “needed me.” This was not your normal cry (nor has it been for the past number of nights), but more like a full tilt panic/scream that would have any parent’s heart in a knot. We’re trying our best to strike a balance between coddling and supporting, and I think there’s a very fine line when your two year old is likely just feeling the growing pains of baby sibling’s impending arrival. H’s needs have been on this rise this past week, and as much as we adore him and want to make sure he feels loved, it’s been trying to say the least. The munchkin is now (finally) sound asleep upstairs after wearing himself out and four separate visits from mom and dad to calm things down. I’ve never learned patience to the degree that I’ve learned it in the past month. I suppose the heat had to turn up at some point as we ready ourselves for the babe on the way.

Aaaaand, lastly, as I wrap up my thoughts on the day, the nursery is 90% or more done after this weekend, and it feels amazing. I know baby wouldn’t know if it weren’t finished, but we would know, and it was getting to both of us. The only thing left is to hang the mobile above the crib and photos on the walls (and I need to go looking for a floor lamp this week if time permits). Beyond that, the projects still on the list are crafty ones that I’m committed to only if life and motherhood allow, and we’ll see what the next week or two hold. In the meantime, teensy clothes are washed, folded, and tucked into drawers, the crib is made up, bookshelves are hung and stocked full, new light fixture is in, all is in place. SO good!! Now if I would only pack a hospital bag for baby and myself, we’d be golden. Then he or she could come at any time without all of the rushing I’ve dreaded might take place. No more dreading. To do list, relatively conquered. Amen.

So that’s the report on this second to last Sunday before my due date. We’re making our way here–all of us. Each differently and dynamically, but we’re making our way.

thinking about baking a blueberry crisp, and it’s 11pm. nest much?

mm

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a mover and a shaker. (14)

Countless times I’ve thought about writing to describe the acrobatics that go on in this belly of mine. Our baby is a mover and a shaker to the greatest degree. I should sell tickets to the nightly show we put on together–it’s incredible to be able to distinguish feet, ankles, bum and the like, and it seems like the Button might exit straight out the front of my stomach at any moment. Such a crazy-weird feeling!

Henry was a mover, too, but I remember him being more of a kicker than anything else. I spent hours holding onto my ribcage and trying to coax back some space, while H insisted on storing one foot under my right rib. It’s the most wonderful thing to feel your babies move before you ever meet them…kind of seems like a sneak preview to whoever might be on the inside 🙂

Today, this little one has been giving his or her mama a run for my money. There’s no one comfortable position, and baby might be saying, “Hey! It’s getting snug in here!” a little sooner than I thought. I’m not expecting to go into labor any minute, just wondering what the Button is up to in there…cleaning house? nesting for birth? having private dance parties to music I can’t hear? It’s marvelous and maddening at the same time. I never expected to be near tears over a tiny person simply dancing in my belly!

I’m looking at the calendar and the countdown says two weeks. Two weeks! We’ll have a baby here in the world and Henry will be a big brother and everything will change for the better, as babies always cause things to do. Snuggling this little person is at the very top of my to do list for August, so I’m banking on him or her arriving on time or before. I keep thinking that if I will it, it will happen 😉

In the meantime, I’m here trying to figure out how to be the best, most patient punching bag possible. I’m not sure I’m super good at it, but I do try. No doubt I’ll miss this feeling when it’s gone…at least the alternative is brilliantly grand!

almost there!

mm