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mini-outbursts and the funny bone. (73)

You know, every day with a two year old teaches me something about life, about kids, and about my capacity as a parent. It’s a really fun stage to move through, around 85% of the time.

Our Henry has been exploring the tantrum throwing side of his personality lately, and I feel like I’m just sitting back and watching test run after test run. If they never happened in the most inconvenient and public of places, I’d probably just laugh at every last episode. The thing is, you can have a perfectly happy and well-adjusted child, but the moment he or she realizes their control over the sound and action coming out of their little body, look out world. This, coupled with the number of times a day a toddler doesn’t get his or her way, and you have the makings of a perfect storm.

What’s hilarious to me is that Henry’s tantrums are, at least 50% of the time, completely an act. The kid has mastered the fake cry, the sly look out of the corner of his eye to catch your reaction, the flailing of body parts at all of the most dramatic moments. He’s a pro at seeming mad or upset one minute and perfectly happy and smiling the next. I think this is the lot of the two year old life. It’s truly mystifying and magical, and it turns on and off with the flip of a switch.

I’m honestly having a decent time figuring out how to handle our latest adventures in two year old emotional territory. On most days, I feel like I can almost reason better with Henry after an outburst than in other moments of the day–perhaps because I have his full attention when he knows his antics have been less than favorable. There’s something powerful about the “close whisper” of discipline in a public or private space. Getting down to his level and talking slowly through consequences seems to do the trick, and I’m super thankful for that.

We’re just traversing all kinds of new parenting territory lately–with the two year old antics winding up, and number two fast on H’s heels as the days count down. I love this season for so many reasons, and the challenges that come with parenting and prepping for parenthood at the same time are mostly good and healthy…but I do have to admit it all requires a pretty good sense of humor. Thankfully, Hank has enough clown in him for all of us, and it’s fairly hard to keep a straight face for long when he’s around. You can’t stay mad. And that’s a good thing.

laughed all day today. we’ll have our hands full for a long time to come 😉

mm

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unshakable economy. (75)

Earlier today…

Sitting downtown this afternoon for an impromptu hour of uninterrupted time to think and read. I always wonder how I’ll make room for the things that are most important, but then I prioritize them and suddenly God makes space. His economy is far greater than we can possibly understand!

I asked God last night for time and energy today to be up and showered–with some room for prayer and quiet time mixed in, before H woke up. Admittedly, when the house was dark and silent this morning, I had the hardest time not moving toward tasks instead of spending time doing what I’d asked to borrow time for! But God is faithful in the very small things, including the Holy Spirit’s gentle nudging when we need to stay on track. Imagine my delight when I had just enough time to get ready and spend time in the Word before I heard the munchkin stirring…I would have felt so defeated if I was mid-dishes or laundry when H woke up. Instead, I was refreshed and ready to greet him–such a better option!

Because time was on my side this morning, I was able to soak up this little gem from Jesus Calling as I started my day:

“Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

How true it is! And what a relevant reminder today as I continue to try to set my sights on God and what He has–to take moments to pause and rest, allowing Him to guide and channel my days for His glory…and to make room for all that He has to offer my life, my family’s lives, the places where He will use me to have an impact in the world.

Oh, thank you, Lord, for sharpening me in this expectant season! You are always waiting to surprise and delight! And thank you for the blessed friend and sweet offer for a few hours to myself today. You know everything I need and you make room for it in your abundant economy. Even now, as this baby jumps around in my belly (forgot to order decaf for the first time in months…oops!), I am experiencing your JOY more fully as I take the time to really seek it and live it out.

celebrating the abundance and recognizing what an incredible gift it is!

mm

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when we slow down. (76)

Just a few days in, this refreshing of perspective and my efforts to slow life down a bit are taking hold. This weekend was full, but of good things and family and rest and some much needed quieting of my usual pace. If God has planned to use this pregnancy to stop me in my tracks a little, it’s working–and I’m really grateful. Mostly, I feel like I’m going to be able to look back on this time and remember…not always the kind of thing we think to do in the everyday, when surrounded by the mundane or ordinary. But I feel like my experiences have been so tangible these past few days, and I think it may be because there’s space around each moment to savor and process it. I’m loving the palpability of life right now.

We’re headed into a busy but fun-filled week, and I pray that within it, I can find plenty of moments to savor and appreciate. Still praying for more quiet, for the desire to be intentional, and for the wisdom to know when enough is enough and when too much is on the horizon. Before we move into the next few days of visiting and sharing and the like, let’s just park on today and this weekend and the good they had to offer…

had the chance to relax by the pool this afternoon while the boys enjoyed Henry and Daddy time (see them in the far background :) h has on a bright green floating thing-a-ma-jig.

had the chance to relax by the pool this afternoon while the boys enjoyed henry and daddy time (see them in the far background 🙂 h has on a bright green floating thing-a-ma-jig.

my view in between swim sessions at the pool this afternoon. i have a similar photo from when h was 3 months old. l.o.v.e.

my view in between swim sessions at the pool this afternoon. i have a similar photo from when h was 3 months old. love that some things don’t change for a while!

our little fam on an impromptu walk down the state park pier tonight.

our little fam on an impromptu walk down the state park pier tonight.

hank and dad at the end of the day. h can't take his eyes off of the barge that's dredging the lake ;)

hank and dad on one last weekend adventure. h can’t take his eyes off of the barge that’s dredging the lake 😉

a freshly bathed munchkin in pjs at the end of the day, plus the pier and all of that lake and sky...what could be better?

a freshly bathed munchkin in pjs at the end of the day, plus the pier and all of that lake and sky…what could be better?

We needed this weekend filled with family time and making space and checking a few things off the list. We’ll hope to have a good few more of these before the Button gets here…the time is just too sweet. Of course we know that life will be all that much more full and good with another life in it, but we’re busy savoring at the moment. So thankful for the chance to do so with our Bug!

As an aside, I had a woman I’ve never met before say the loveliest things to me at the pool today, and it really blessed my day. After so many experiences I’ve had in pregnancy where people just say whatever is on their mind without clearly thinking it through, I could have cried when a total stranger spoke life and joy into my heart. She introduced herself as Laura, and when she left, she said she’d see me again soon. I sure hope so. I’ll take all of the beautiful grace in my life I can get. God totally used Laura today. And it made me think about how little effort it takes to bless someone else if we’re open to the opportunity to do so. Praise the Lord for Laura, and for her heart. May God bless her intentionality and overflow her week with joy!

looking ahead in anticipation of what God will do tomorrow…this week…the rest of the Summer…

mm

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no need to hurry. (77)

If only I could make myself believe that some days.

But we’re always onto the next thing, aren’t we? The next project, the next purchase, the next to do on the list? I’m guilty of this daily, and it’s this pace I sometimes keep that challenges exactly all of the things I was talking about here yesterday. “Make it stop!!” I keep thinking. I just have to work on the right place to begin.

Because I think I’m often so focused on the “what’s next?” that I miss the here and now. And all I really have for sure this side of Heaven is precisely this–the here and now. I’m not saying there’s no need to prepare for the future. I’m not saying it at all. But what I am saying is that I can get so caught up in what if’s and plans and possibilities and worries and commitments and self-imposed obligations that I miss the boat. Oh, you can bet I do!

I am only as focused as the very next thing sometimes, and I’m growing more programmed all the time to default to this. With everything at the touch of a button and the world at my fingertips through a tiny little box we foolishly just call a phone…

But it’s not just that. It’s emails and Facebook and twitter and ads. Sales! And For a Limited Time Onlys! And reminders flying left and right. When my two year old hears a real phone ringing in a restaurant and asks, “What’s that sound, Mommy?” I can’t help but think maybe we’re getting this all wrong sometimes. There was value in the phone that stayed on the wall and only got answered when we were home. There was value in the (maybe) weekly trip to the store for what the household needed–no more, no less. Nothing was really instant or immediate, and everyone survived. The clutter was a bit less like constant static.

And I know that I’m feeling this sense of encroachment on my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual space because I’ve allowed it all in. What’s more, it has begun to feel normal. If we can’t get it, know it, find out about it, or share it in sixty seconds or less these days, the medium feels slow. What. Has. Happened?

So I’m saying I’m making an effort to, slowly but surely, reduce this reality in my life. I so desperately want there to be more room in my days for quiet. For thinking. For deep relationship and genuine interaction, face to face. I have these things, yes–and I’m blessed by them. But I need more of them and less of the rushing, hurrying, scurrying, clamoring, striving, racing, crazy that life is becoming. I don’t want my children to know this pace of life as the norm. I truly don’t.

We’ve already turned off our T.V. A long time ago, really. It was a good step, and I don’t miss it at all. Just another portal into a world that eats up the world I’m trying to create here in this little blue house, and we don’t need it. So what’s next? Maybe more limited phone (browsing) time for yours truly, or a step away from FB again (forever, someday?), or a commitment to an entire hour of quiet somehow, daily?

Something. Because it’s all happening, and it’s true that a big part of me hates it. What’s more, I love and value so many of the things that busyness has replaced (writing letters, spending a whole day in the kitchen, drafting poetry, learning a new skill, swinging on a porch, really pressing in and not just praying, but truly listening for God–then giving Him room and time to speak). The only thing I really need to hurry about is the pace at which I pursue slowing down. I’m feeling really convicted and convinced of that.

As it turns out, this season of pregnancy is becoming more and more about self-reflection and introspection as I prepare my heart for what’s next. It seems I remember my last pregnancy doing something similar. It really is a beautiful phase of life for so many reasons. Eleven weeks (or so) left to savor and glean.

here. goes.

mm

photo credit to Ann Voskamp. love her.

image credit to Ann Voskamp. love her.

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in the quiet place. (78)

Besides the train horns blowing every once and a while a few miles away, it is unbelievably quiet here. The dog sighs occasionally, and I’m actually aware of it–only the sounds of the house and the click of my keyboard fill up the remaining, hanging space. I have grown to love the busyness and animation of our noisy, toddler-driven house in the day today, but at the end of this week, the quiet is most welcome. It is exactly everything I haven’t taken pause to notice I needed.

I’m afraid I’m not making or finding enough time to get quiet and recharge. Left unrealized, this seems like dangerous territory–somewhat like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I know this because I’ve felt it rising. It’s been creeping up slowly, and I hear it in my responses to H, in my ramblings of the days’ happenings to Jason, and wildly in my head amidst all of the things I think and do not say. It’s fortunate that my mouth has remained shut in some situations, and sheerly disappointing that I’ve not opened up and just been plainly honest in others. I am battling a war between my people-pleasing, peace-keeping, fearful side and the advocating, protecting, Truth-driven part of me that’s itching terribly to surface. And somewhere, there’s a balance.

I sat in the living room across from a friend today who has an incredible ability to help me see myself for who I am. She is an amazing listener, a beautiful encourager, and a powerfully honest person whose God-fearing, spirit-filled life leads me to a place of healthy vulnerability and honesty every time we meet. There is no pretending here, on any level. And the longer we sit face to face as life permits us, the more we find we share in common–our pasts, although not the same, are crazily woven together in a way I believe God uses to shed light and Truth and freedom. I find myself in tears every time we talk, and she celebrates them. We both do. And I’m always left feeling lighter and thinking in a way that’s more true to who God is calling me to be. I pray that my friendship to her is as refreshing in return as hers is to me. I’m so grateful.

And I share this because our dialogue today has me thinking at full speed and desiring more quiet and space to think even further, to pray, to get really, really honest, and to push through the muck to whatever God has for me–for our family, in this chapter. It’s possible that I just coast through a lot of days and manage to balance what’s right in front of me, without really realizing what’s to the side, what’s behind, what’s above. I know that God wants to give me direction–that He craves my attention the same way I crave His. I’m just not sure I give Him anywhere enough time to do what He wants to with my heart. I think I’ve done so in seasons, but not well as of late. And I don’t want to just barrel through the next several months to a place of new vulnerability and adjustment and change without resetting my sights on what God is saying, doing, ordering in my life.

So. There’s probably a lot of work to be done. Right here. Where I am. And I need to be honest with myself, and particularly honest with others, and I know sometimes that honesty is going to be hard. But my heart is to serve my family as a wife and mom to my best and fullest capacity, and when my tank is empty, I’m not so great at this at all. All of the little (and big) things that drain said tank, drop by drop, can sit buried and linger. Or they can surface and be real and be dealt with to clear some room, reset my system. In this space and time as I parent a toddler, grow a soon-to-be newborn, love my husband, care for our home, and attempt to maintain, grow, and nurture relationships all around me, I’m going to have to be honest. First with myself, and then with those closest to me. And I need to stop making so much time for apologies and guilt and second guesses where they are undue, instead utilizing that energy to clear a path for health and wholeness and joy inside this little heart of mine.

i pray that God would begin the work and show me where i need to go. opening up my hands again and pursuing Truth as i dance the dance.

mm