MollyMadonna.com

by

“I Love the Way God Made You.” (14)

38 weeks. 38 weeks! And we’re all biding our time around here and coping with waiting in different ways. There are a lot of emotions flying around our house. The kids are all a bit more antsy, a bit more cranky, a bit more wild. The convergence of the end of summer, start of the school year, a birthday and baby’s due date all in a few short weeks is palpable. We all weather the roller coaster really well together one minute, and the next, Jason and I are looking at each other with expressions that say, “What on earth?” and “Get me out of here,” and “What’s our next move?” on a very regular basis. Everyone needs a little more peace, and that’s hard to arrive at when you’re ten and under, mom is way pregnant and your siblings are always finding ways to compete, irritate, frustrate or otherwise stir the pot.

Regardless of any new challenges, our kids are amazing. We love them with everything we’ve got and then some. But they’re weary and we’re weary and it’s a perfect storm of feelings at all hours of the day. I can’t decide if it sounds better to keep this baby tucked away for a bit more or to have our little one here so everyone can start settling into a new normal. Maybe it’s good that I don’t get to decide.

All of the tension and whining and irritation among them aside, these kids are resilient. And their sweet sides come out daily, and certainly, all is not lost. The way that they’ve each come around me in different moments is so beautiful. E is always aware of my need ahead of me…she anticipates what I’ll ask for, what I’ll reach for, what I shouldn’t try to do, and then she jumps to do it or offers to do it for me. I know she’s tired of me asking for help sometimes, but generally, she’s a cheerful giver. She models love in action. She is grace to me every day. H has been my heavy lifter this pregnancy. He willingly moved all of the baby bins in and out of the storage room while J was working so I didn’t have to try. H might grumble about a good bit, but he’ll also engage C in a long stretch of playing LEGOS so I can rest, he’ll come along on grocery trips to help me load bags in and out of the car, and I know he’s watching closely to make sure I’m doing OK.

C is coping with things in an especially lovely, albeit sometimes emotional, way. He comes to find me every morning and showers me with encouragement and compliments all the way through breakfast. He follows me around the house reminding me that he loves me, hugs the baby all throughout the day and in moments, just snuggles right up close without words. If someone sits next to me, he’s suddenly right nearby asking for their seat because, “Hey, I was going to sit next to Mama.” But perhaps most endearing is that he has a few new phrases on repeat whenever it’s just the two of us…”You’re the best, Mom,” “I love you infinity times a thousand plus one,” or my very, very favorite, “I love the way God made you.” That’s the latest, and I can’t say how much of a boon it is to my spirit that our little one would even know to say something like that, let alone that he would say it to me in random sweet moments.

These kids are wearing their emotions on their sleeves, but they’re also sharing a lot of themselves that’s really stretching and moving and good. I’m so thankful for this family God has designed for us. I know we don’t know who this next little baby will be, but I’m sure that they will be welcomed into the mix here with so much love and enthusiasm and joy that it will all make perfect sense…like it’s the way it’s always been. To promote our crew to new levels of big brother/s and big sister status will be such a joy, and soon, soon, soon.

MM

by

Surrounded. (15)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1.17 ESV

Tonight was a gift to my heart and spirit in all of the best ways. A small group of dear-to-me women gathered in the backyard of a sweet and gracious friend in honor of this incredible life growing in my belly. We sat around a gorgeous table filled with thoughtful and delicious food, ate and had fellowship, painted and shared, laughed and prayed. There were lights strung around the patio, hydrangeas in vases, watercolors filling up the space where empty plates had been. As our amazing host prayed over dinner, the music in the background began as if on cue:

“And all my life You have been faithful, all my life you have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God…

“…I love your voice. You have led me through the fire. And in the darkest night, You were close like no other. I’ve known you as a Father. I’ve know you as a Friend. And I have lived in the goodness of God.”

I have longed to gather with friends in this way, whether over baby or just because, and there was an extra sweetness in tonight being what it was for so many reasons. To have these incredible friends pray over baby, over every detail, over things deep in my heart that aren’t always spoken–it was just the most hopeful and grace-filled thing. I don’t know how to articulate more except to say that God’s goodness continues to bring me to new places along this road, and tonight was filled with His presence and peace.

Baby, if you ever wonder how you came to be, I’ll have a lot of stories to tell you about the village that lifted you up before you were ever even growing inside of me. They lifted you up then, and they are still lifting you (us) up now, and I don’t think they’ll stop because that’s who they are and who we’re so fortunate to do life alongside. You are about to begin a life here that is filled with some of the most beautiful people I could hope to surround you. It’s all too much grace to contain and gives me so much hope for your future and the future of this world you’re joining for such a time as this. What God has done in your story and what He will do…I just can’t wait to tell you someday, and I can’t wait to find out who you are and who He has created you to be.

You are loved, you are a miracle, and you are surrounded by so much goodness it’s hard to contain it. Come when you’re ready, sweet honeybee. This unfolding is going to be one of the greatest adventures of our lives.

MM

by

Baby Love. (16)

This baby belly sure is gaining a lot of attention these days, and at this stage of pregnancy, it’s been so positive and encouraging. It’s really helpful to be able to say, “Any time now!” instead of, “About 6 weeks…” or any other similar reply when people ask how much longer we have to go. I’m really enjoying the joy people seem to share over a baby being close–it’s hopeful and uplifting and creates room for a lot of interactions with kind strangers as of late.

I’m still a little perplexed by how everyone seems to know the gender of our baby even though I don’t, but it’s fascinating to hear everyone’s theories. It really is a strange phenomenon that people comment on someone else’s body so freely, but it’s like the presence of a pregnant belly changes social norms and anything is fair game. As with every pregnancy, I’ve been surprised by the number of really bizarre things people think it’s kosher to say, but the thing I want to remember about the past few weeks is the number of people who have gone out of their way to be encouraging and lovely. I mean, absolutely out of their way to be celebratory and kind. It just feels like God wants to offer even more hope and joy in these last weeks than ever before. It’s really a beautiful thing.

Baby is quite literally sticking out off of the front of me like a ball (basket, beach, exercise? You decide…), which makes for an eye-widening sight for many. At 5’2″, that’s just pretty much the option for this little one, and it makes me laugh when he or she moves around in funny positions in there–my whole belly changes shape and contorts in a different direction. It’s been a source of amusement here at home, especially for E and C who always ask to feel it and see what the baby is doing. The human body is amazing. How did a whole person grow inside of me? And how are they living there and growing there still?

These last days are wonderful and magical in their own right. I can’t say it enough. I’m feeling the shift from, “No, not yet,” to “Any time now, little one,” and that always amazes me, too. God’s good and perfect timing is at work. I can’t wait to see how He carries out the next part of the story!

MM

by

A Rich and Steady Time. (17)

“Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch.” -E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

There’s definitely a balance between embracing the time we have and wishing time away when we’re looking towards something big in life. I always want to strike that balance, but it’s not without effort. As we spend these winding down days of summer, I want to make the most of our time together as a family before everyone returns to school schedules and routines. I know the whole world is feeling that way right now. This year, with baby’s expected due date on the calendar just four days before school begins, the sentiment has been so prominent in my thoughts, knowing that our summer might change at any given time and that August will be an adventurous month for our family.

The pairing of “make the most of these days” and “mom is slowing down” is an interesting one. I keep trying to find little ways for us to have memorable moments rather than big excursions, points of connection over a scrapbook-worthy summer experience. It’s a trade off that’s so worth it, and it’s also hard. Our kids are great troopers, and they go along with many of my off-the-cuff ideas as we’re traipsing through these summer weeks. I loved when our older two were at camp, where they could have a pretty idyllic week that felt like so many things we dream summer will hold. C was bummed to be “left behind” of course, but it was so, so good for H and E to get to be at camp. It felt like the very sweetest spot of summer, even though I know the very best moments are still to come.

Today we ended up forfeiting a trip to the beach with friends to wander around downtown with friends instead. It was a little more mama friendly than trekking out to sand dunes and hiking all things beachy out to a spot near the lake. I would have loved to go there (it’s truly my most centering place), but after hours of contractions last night and only a little sleep, I had to admit I wasn’t up for the challenge. Our dear and gracious friends happily shifted gears with us, and we all ended up having a few sweet hours of time together, in and out of the kids’ favorite shops (and to pick out things for baby!), down the block for coffee and treats, and across the street to run around in the grass and enjoy today’s perfect weather. It was a sweet memory we’ll hold onto, and it surely fell into the category of a “rich and steady time” while we are “waiting for something to happen or hatch.” While some in our crew might have bigger ideas of what would make summer feel fun and dynamic, I am happiest to sit with friends and enjoy the sunshine, soaking up this time as best as we’re able, before the season wanes.

When I close my eyes, I think about all of the goodness packed into this time of anticipation. I don’t want to miss a bit of it, because all of this waiting and building up to something beautiful will soon be a captivating memory instead of present day. It’s like Christmas Eve all of the time, and it keeps lasting. The richness of that is something I just savor and want to be able to recall for the rest of forever. Especially with this baby, after a long journey towards a fourth child here with us, what God is up to has been something really special for my heart, mind, body and spirit. It’s a healing process that I’ve needed, and even though I am truly craving the opportunity to hold this baby, this space will move on with a bittersweetness that I’ll hold like a treasure. This has really been and continues to be the most sacred season as I lean in and deeply desire the closeness I’ve felt to God in so many moments. “A rich and steady time,” indeed. There’s not much better.

Know, sweet baby, that I want more than anything to hold you. You’re like the very best gift on Christmas Day, and I’ve waited for, longed for, begged for the opportunity to be your mama for a long time. It’s just so special to have you tucked inside of me, too, and I will cherish every second of the time we’ve had to grow together in this way. Heaven is breaking through in a new way in our lives with you, dear honeybee. You will be everything we’ve ever prayed for, and then so many extra blessings besides.

Hatch when you’re ready, little one, and until then, know that you are safe here with me.

MM

by

Peace Like a River. (18)

Before today began, I was carrying some anxious thoughts about things that had transpired over the past week…at my most recent baby appointment, in conversations about how hospitals are functioning right now…just stumbling blocks tripping me up on my way towards peace surrounding these last weeks of pregnancy and our experience when baby is born. I reached out to several friends and family asking for prayer about the specifics of today, with two follow up appointments that would directly address my concerns. I was able to walk confidently into this morning because I knew that people were praying, and that made all the difference in the world.

I’ve learned in this pregnancy that peace is not something I can take for granted, even though I know it’s offered to me generously. There are certain things that are not absolute, and just assuming peace is one of those. I think in some Christian circles, a Christ-follower not having peace can be confused with them not having faith or being faithful enough, not trusting that God can cover something fully, or not striving enough to seek and reach peace through any number of channels. While I know that peace can be achieved in any situation because of who God is and how He works, a guarantee of peace is not everyone’s journey from the start. When someone has been through trauma, they carry it with them as a piece of who they are and a part of their story. God can certainly heal that trauma and I know He does, but I think that healing process is partly that progression towards peace. It’s not necessarily instant, and it’s not a fault of someone’s not to be able to just grasp peace from the get go. God works in His timing; to second guess that for someone else just isn’t my/our place.

I say all of this, because sometimes I’ve felt like others assume I should just be able to be peaceful about something when it’s not that simple, and I think we can make this mistake with others when we’re not mindful. I don’t lack faith in God enough not to trust Him–I trust Him completely. And trusting Him completely sometimes means trusting that His peace will come, even if I don’t experience it instantly. It’s asking for prayer from others, it’s spending time in worship over and over when other efforts don’t get me there. It’s being patient and letting the growth happen that God needs to do in my heart and spirit before I can fully realize the peace He’s offering over a situation. It’s going back to Him in petition again and again.

This pregnancy has been nine months of a journey so far that has led me to my knees with God over and over again. I feel peace, and then it pulls away like the tide on the shore. It ebbs and flows with seasons and circumstances, and all for good reason in my human nature and daily life. Deep down do I have peace that God has this baby and all of the surrounding details close to His own heart? Yes, for sure. But do I have to work at maintaining that peace in moments, or when new alarms go off or questions are raised that I didn’t see coming–also yes.

Tonight, after two helpful appointments today and some clarifications about details that grew to be relative bullies in my head, I am sitting here feeling so much hope and positive anticipation for what is ahead. I know that might still come and go in these last days and weeks, but for today, I want to remember what this feels like and to put a stake in the ground where the Spirit showed up and God offered great measures of peace to my heart. There are miles to go, but everything feels closer and more real as I settle in tonight. The fact that this baby is coming is more tangible by the day, which might seem obvious to some but has really been a process for me.

I’m going to keep praying over all of the details, and yet, I’m choosing to let go of anything I’m able to surrender–to the safest place I know of for the things of this world to settle. For today, peace feels like it is flowing over my heart and mind and body like a river, and it is well with my soul. When harder times come, it is still well because of Jesus, but the sweetness of the river of peace is a gift I will not take for granted, nor hope to forget any time soon.

MM