MollyMadonna.com

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for the mom who’s feeling spent tonight. (67)

Dear Frazzled Mama,

I know that you saw me out and about earlier with my five and almost-three year old, and this baby bump in tow, toting our healthy, packed lunches, smiles on, perfectly ready for a stress free time at the splash pad. I know my kids both laid out their towels nicely and ate their lunches without incident. I know I didn’t look overly sweaty or disheveled, and that all appeared as tidy as can be in my corner of the mothering world this afternoon. No one slipped and fell, got hurt, started a fight, or whined terribly at any point. For that two hour anomaly of time today, WOW, did I get lucky!

Maybe you were still around to hear the chaos that ensued in the bathroom as we were trying to leave: my eldest slipping on wet tile, both kids talking in unrelenting baby voices and shouting over the hand dryer, and then me, begging them to “Please. Just. Stop. Arguing. And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT put your mouth on the sink!” as I grabbed all of our sticky, hot things and tried to pull myself together before stepping back out into the light of day.

You probably didn’t hear that part there in the bathroom, but I just thought you should know…

Behind closed doors, I was a complete mess today.

The fact that we actually made it to the splash pad was semi-miraculous in itself, since I *almost* closed myself in a room just to cool off before 9am this morning. Breakfast was a battle. Neither kiddo wanted to eat their food, but each wanted a snack ten minutes later. Neither wanted to stop playing to get dressed, or to brush his or her teeth without making it an ordeal, but both wanted to “GO TO THE SPLASH PAD RIGHT NOW!”

After tossing and turning last night in a fun mix of too hot, need to pee, super hungry, can’t turn over without a human shoe horn, I think I woke up today with maybe two hours of sleep under my belt, which meant that I was in prime shape to face all of the normal events of the day with grace. Or not. I didn’t. Try as I might, I couldn’t.

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All day long I felt raw and short and undeservingly harsh with my kids, and I didn’t do a good job of breathing deeply and stepping back in a lot of moments.

Today I was actually the “Hurry up!” “Let’s go!” “Seriously?” “If I have to tell you one more time…” “Could you guys PLEASE STOP SHOUTING?!” version of myself that I’m really not proud of. I might have gotten lunch right, but from sun up to sun down, that’s about all that felt like a win.

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Through tears, I put my husband on notice of the status of things on his way home from work.

I let our three year old shout into the monitor for a long while at nap time before addressing her need for (insert 20 random objects here), because I just didn’t have it in me to talk over the shouting one more time.

I turned down playing LEGOS, even when our eldest handed me “the good guy, because [I] always have to play the bad guy and it’s [my] turn to be the good guy instead.”

I made random food for dinner.

When all was said and done, one of our children still told me that I was probably the best mom he knew, and that he loved me SO much. Whew. The other followed up in all of her three year old honesty, “I wish that I wuved you,” with her head shaking. “You don’t love me?” I asked her, to which she replied, “I don’t wuv you wite now.”

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It’s tough being the kid sometimes, just like it’s tough some days being the mom.

We sorted things out a bit before bedtime, as we do, but it was clear from all angles that today was not the best day for anyone here in the little blue house. It’s ok that this is true, but it’s still super hard when you want to get it right and you feel like you’ve failed, which is where I’m sitting right now.

If you’re feeling frayed tonight, as I am, just know that no amount of “pulling it all together” for one part of the day means that any of us has the rest of life perfectly ordered. Maybe there’s a mama out there who is just a rock star at everything she does, all of the time, but I’ve got really amazing mama friends, and not a single one has mentioned to me that she feels like she has it all together, ever.

In fact, most mamas I know are just trying to make it through these stages of change and growth while keeping everyone alive, fed, and safe. The playdates and summer camps and fun activities out and about are major efforts–really beautiful, self-sacrificing ones that our children love and benefit from, but that most often look like a few “Hurry ups!” and “Seriouslys!” along the way.

None of us is perfect.

And I’m discovering more and more that when I hold myself to a standard of perfection or unattainable expectations, I feel more like a failure and less like the mama who loves her kids to the ends of the earth that I really am. Maybe that’s true for you, too?

The messes, the running lates, the PB&Js for the fifth time this week? They’re going to survive them all, our kiddos will. They’re resilient like that.

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And the days when I show up somewhere looking like I’ve *maybe* got it all together that day? Yeah, I don’t. Might just be a good day is all. Might just be a good hour. Could be a fleeting moment where the stars aligned and I was feeling good about the status of things right then and there. But we’re all going through the messes, too, and I could lead the pack. Not the mothering accolade I was going for when I first became a mom, but you know…

Someone’s got to be the frazzled one, and today it was me. Maybe it was you, too. Way to hang in there like a champ and make it through the day, and way to be gearing up again for a new day tomorrow. Truly.

grace to your mama heart tonight, and grace to mine. tomorrow is a clean slate. and there’s so much to be said for a good do-over.

molly madonna

 

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why life feels a lot like pregnancy right now. (68)

“Boy or girl?”

Probably the #1 and most natural question for people to ask when they notice a pregnant belly, right? A handful still ask, “Do you know what you’re having?” But most assume that we know, and that makes sense. I’m not sure on percentages, but certainly more people find our their baby’s gender these days than not. And that’s totally cool.

We’ve chosen not to find out whether we’re having a boy or girl for the third time in a row, although I have to admit, there a lot of days that I’d love to know. I still enjoy holding out on the surprise more than knowing, so I just have to stick to that mindset in ultrasounds. Seems simple enough, but there are times when having answers to life’s questions just. feels. better. The gratification might be temporary, and yet, it’s really hard to wait for pieces of the puzzle, isn’t it?

When I look to the future, I feel like so much of our life these days is a question mark. Arguably, we’re never guaranteed anything, so it’s really not fair to take anything for granted. But it sure is easier to feel like we *kind* of know what’s coming next, and right now, I can’t see past a few days at a time.

I know we’re counting down to baby, and I can guesstimate how much time we have between now and meeting our little boy or girl. That might be all that feels set in stone at the moment, so life is feeling quite a lot like pregnancy, with all of its surprises and the waiting; with all of the hoping and all of the times I try to open my hands up to God in surrender and prayer.

None of this is awful. I realize I’m staying cryptic about some things for now, and when the time is right, I’ll share more candidly as it feels fitting. I’m trying to process this limbo-like space responsibly, which is why I’m not ready to share my whole hand. Much of it may be very good, and some of it might be hard. Most of it will probably be both hard and good, and I’m ok with that reality. I trust that all of it will stretch me and shape me more into the woman that God is calling me to become, and I’m great with that part.

Pregnancy has so many beautiful ups and downs. It’s the perfect physical/mental/emotional/spiritual roller coaster that most often ends as one of the greatest thrill rides of our lives.

When I want to know this baby’s gender, or I want to be able to see the future and have all of the answers and feel like I’ve got life “figured out,” I just remind myself how much I absolutely love the reward of waiting to know the whole story.

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When this baby is born and Jason announces, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” there will be very little else to top that moment in my memory book. Meeting our babies and finding out who they are has been the very greatest surprise each time. Even when my heart has had a hunch, I’ve gained so much from trusting that whatever gender our baby might be, it’s exactly what God has planned for our family.

I can rest there. I can have so much peace in that holding space.

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And so it is with many other areas of our life as a family right now. Jason and I are asking ourselves all kinds of good and hard questions about the future, what’s best for our family from many angles, and how we want to cultivate our values, goals and beliefs as a unit.

It’s a season of evaluation–one of becoming more introspective as we put our ears to the ground and try to glean what God’s best might be for the next weeks, months, and years ahead.

Life is pregnant with possibility, and that is beautiful. As this belly grows toward some hopeful “knowns” and a greater number of unknown surprises, too, I want so much to rest in a trusting place. My heart is to put what we can’t see on the table each day and to offer it up, whether for more pieces of the puzzle to land where they belong, or for wisdom and strength as we continue to work at being people with our hands open and our lives surrendered.

As with carrying a baby for nine months and undergoing change in more obvious ways, I’m changing on the inside just as much or maybe more. There is work to be done in me that I cannot see, but that I can anticipate fully as I wade through the waiting. At the end of the story, there’s always more than my human heart can imagine.

it seems a bit sweeter that way.

mm

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ever closer. (69)

And just like that, there go the 70’s! Hello, day 69.

The super sweet lady who rang me up at Trader Joe’s tonight was so gracious and kind when she noticed my bump. She had such nice things to say, which was a total pick me up that I didn’t know I needed today. She asked me when I was due, and then how many more weeks to go. When I said “nine or so, I think,” her reply was, “Oooh, it’s coming up soon!” I so appreciate the kindness of strangers and glass half full conversations at any juncture, but especially in pregnancy.

For some reason, saying “ten weeks to go” sounded like a lot longer. Double digits, maybe? Depending on the day and what I’m wearing, people either look at me wide-eyed with sympathy or shock, or they say kind things and make me feel good in my pregnancy skin. I’m quite grateful for the latter. Being as short as I am, our babies tend to grow outward quickly at this stage. And where else would they go, really? But I’m always amazed at people’s comments and looks anyway, as though I have an extra appendage growing there, or maybe like I should be in labor as we speak.

I’m pretty accustomed to the bump, honestly. It really doesn’t bother me. I generally love being right at this stage, before I’m feeling completely done, but close enough that the end is in sight. The summer calendar suddenly seems to be slipping away, and I never thought it would go quite so fast. August will be here next week already…seems like it’s impossible, but it’s true.

When the temps start to cool just a bit, and as we all settle back into the routines of late summer/early fall, baby will be on the horizon and I will feel so ready. I know I will. No matter how many more items there are to check off of lists, my heart is just feeling more prepared to greet this baby and to be the family of five that we’re becoming.

Most days lately, I’m somewhere between feeling completely stable and totally ready to fall apart at any moment. These third trimester hormone changes are something fierce, although I think I’m generally hanging in there ok 🙂 As a family, we’ve been making big decisions on what feels like every front, so baby decisions are welcome and refreshing to me. I’m glad to focus more and more on this season of preparation as certain things start falling into place.

We wandered through Buy Buy Baby tonight looking at car seats and a few other things we’re ready to replace for baby, and it was fun to think about having baby items around the house again (although I must admit I am waaaaaaay more practical as I walk through that store this time around). The first time we looked at baby items, I saw uses for ALL of the things. This go around, I’m more in the camp of “Where’s the streamlined version? The simple one? The lightweight one? The one that will take up the least amount of visual and physical space?” I’m feeling so much more pragmatic, while still enjoying the thought of a few new items that will be better for our home and will update some of the gear that has seen its day after getting us through two kiddos.

Today was crazy hot here, and I could feel it as soon as we stepped outside this morning. Every last bit of heat and humidity took it out of me like it hasn’t before. Tonight, I’m looking back on a good, full, family-centered Saturday, and also feeling entirely ready for a good night’s sleep. Baby’s movements are getting very pronounced, which is adding to some discomfort. There’s a bit more hesitation on my part to attempt any major projects at this point, although I do get a good second wind here and there, and my mental/emotional motivation levels are high.

One thing at a time seems to be the necessary approach, and I’m just getting better at recognizing my limits. Yet another thing baby has taught me in this growing process.

I’m so grateful for the journey–for every bit. Maybe some days feel harder at this stage of pregnancy, but the reward is so great, and it’s getting ever closer. I love that we are moving toward hope and life and new joys each and every day.

looking for lovely and finding it in so many places,

mm

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big sister. (70)

Dear Eloise,

For several months now, you’ve thanked God for making you a big sister every single time you’ve prayed. You’ve thanked Him for “Mommy’s baby in her tummy” each time, too.

Since before you were born, I’ve spoken the saying, “Though she be but little, she is fierce,” over you. Those words repeated in my mind while I was pregnant, and they’re part of why I was so sure you were a girl long before I ever laid eyes on you. We named you Eloise, not only because we love the name, but because it means “famous warrior.” I prayed and prayed as you were growing inside that you would be born a fierce, strong, warrior of a girl, and God answered.

You are not yet three, but you pray with focus and intention, and I know that God hears those prayers. Every time you cover your baby brother or sister by asking for God’s blessing, I breathe a little more deeply, thinking about how your childlike faith and beautiful petitions matter to the One who created you, and the One who is weaving our baby’s life together now. God formed you and He knew you, and I believe He was even so gracious as to give me insight into who you were going to be in our lives. Here and now, you are a warrior in your own right, and it fills me with gratitude that God has heard our prayers for you, both then and today.

Your big sisterhood is going to come to fruition before long, and I can’t wait to see how you care for our littlest babe. You are a doting mommy to your own babies, playing house and nurturing the little ones around you at all times. I know that this upcoming transition might be hard for you here and there, but I am trusting that you’ll weather the change with the same resilience you demonstrate in everything else in life. You are still so little, but you are most definitely fierce.

When I say fierce, sweet one, I mean it in the best way possible. You are not mean. You are not intense in a bad way. You do know what you want and you articulate it with gusto. You hold your own with your brother and older kids, and you pick yourself up without skipping a beat when life attempts to knock you down. You are brave. Smart. Musical. Happy. You are go-with-the-flow 95% of the time, always finding the good in any opportunity to get out and be in the world.

You are still mommy’s girl through and through, and I can’t say I mind it. You love your boys with fervor, too, but there is still a connection between us that hasn’t changed since your up-all-night, attached to mama days. Deep down, I love that. I think you’ll make an even better big sister for the ways you acknowledge connection and proximity. You make a point to stop and love the people around you, and you also speak up for yourself when you need your space. Baby will appreciate that about you!

I’m sorry that this season has meant far fewer snuggle times and my inability to pick you up and hold you for lengths of time. I miss that chance, and hope you’ll preserve your snuggly self for the days when my lap has returned to a lap and my belly isn’t in the way of me carrying you on my hip for more than a minute. Even without the baby here, you already seem so big and grown up to me. Please save some of this stage for after baby is born so we can still cuddle up just you and me.

You are a kind and aware soul, sweet girl. You are thoughtful and loving, creative and worshipful. You add a dynamic to our family that fits exactly as it should. I’m so fortunate and proud to be your mama, and I can’t wait to watch you grow into your new role as baby’s big sister. He or she is going to be so lucky to fall under your watchful eye and doting care.

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I delight in you, Ella Bella Bee. We all do!

love always and always,

your mama

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the fruits of summer. (71)

I’m scrolling through photos from today’s outing with the kiddos and smiling so widely. One of my very favorite built in benefits of living where we do is the bounty of blueberries waiting to be collected every July/August. I look forward to going picking every year, and today’s time in the field was just as sweet as can be. We went with friends, and the older kids wandered down the long aisle of bushes, laughing and giggling and eating up equally as many berries as they picked. Eloise ran back and forth between us time and again, joyfully showing me her growing collection and dropping extra berries into my bucket along the way. For two straight hours, we all enjoyed the remote peacefulness that a blueberry farm can offer on a hot summer morning.

It’s been fairly sweltering here these past few days, so when the cool breeze blew in off of the lake ahead of an unexpected thunderstorm, we were all in heaven. We headed in to weigh our loot after the first thunder clap, and we made it under the storefront awning just as the first drops hit the ground. Then we gave into the temptation for blueberry donuts as the only obvious way to wait out the storm inside. 😉

Furrowing clouds before the storm.

Furrowing clouds before the storm.

All five kiddos were truly delightful, and delighted to be together enjoying such a sweetly seasoned morning. I couldn’t have been happier with two hours of adult conversation, ten pounds of blueberries to tote home and the thought of returning soon for more.

Sometimes summer just steps up to bat and hits one out of the park. Today’s outing was definitely good for our souls, and mine especially. No arguing. No banter. No debating who had what toy/book/place on the couch first. No whining at all. Just “Look at this big blueberry!” and “Oh, yum!” and “Can we come here again?!”

As I type, I’m enjoying a massive handful of freshly picked berries atop my current favorite granola and contemplating the blueberry crisp and the blueberry zucchini cake that will surely need to find their way into our weekend. Those, and scoop by scoop of sweet summer goodness to add to salads, yogurt, cereal, ice cream, and anything else we can dream up, until we’ve run out and just *have* to go back for more.

Things that start with "b."

Things that start with “b.”

blueberries for president, I’d say. or at least for dessert. 😉

mm