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What’s Right in Front of Me. (35)

There are so many days right now where I feel an extra nudge to be present, and today was no exception. I felt those whispers all day long. I’m so grateful for this. It’s a kindness from God to be reminded to savor the simple, routine things, and this time in our lives is one I really want to be able to see clearly when I look back. That’s not to say that every day is easy or without its share of hiccups, but I just think all of the time about how this life we’re living now could be the sweetest version of life we experience, and if that’s the case (or really, even if it isn’t), I want to appreciate it for all it’s worth. I don’t want to miss it.

Watching E and C at swim lessons today, the number of times I laughed at their antics or comments was plentiful. And the joy I found in watching them attempt and overcome new hurdles was such a good feeling–their pride in themselves just made my heart swell a bit. It’s so special to see them coming into their own in things, and especially to watch them face insecurities or challenges head on. Watching them interact with their swim teacher and each other gives me such a lightheartedness…they are genuinely having fun and learning together at the same time. It’s a sweet part of this summer that’s been meaningful to me.

Then, sitting with other moms while H enjoyed spending time with his friends at a party today was really lovely. I was thinking back to last summer, after a shortened year of school, and just how hard it was not to know other families from his class or to connect him to friends. Things were so different in the world a year ago, and I don’t think any of us knew exactly how to feel or be as humans desiring more interaction with others. What a gift today, to see other moms, but also to watch all of our boys enjoy each other’s company and just have fun together–it’s a sweet group of kids that I’m so thankful he has the privilege to journey alongside.

E also had a party today, and it was a similar grace in the day to see friends of ours and to send her off to enjoy time with other girls. We’re not very surrounded by families with girls her age, so to watch her connect with a friend she’s known for a few years now and to have the chance to celebrate and create together–it’s the stuff of a mama’s dreams. And to have her sweet friend run up to hug me and to feel a sense of being reunited…it’s all just such grace.

As I sent a message to a dear friend tonight, I included some photos from our time together with our kids earlier this week. Those pictures, where C is laying on a picnic blanket with his closest friend as they laugh unstoppably together, and where four of our kiddos are playing picnic with play food for a good bit of our visit–I can’t honestly even describe the layers of goodness in those images. A few hours in their backyard (or anywhere together!) has been a hopeful vision for us as mamas over this past year. These friends are like family to all of us, and we’ve longed for days when we could let the kids run around and play together again. Last May, when things with Covid felt scary and confusing and new, the world got scarier and harder for our friends as their eldest (C’s dearest) was diagnosed with Leukemia. This past year has been so filled with new challenges for all of them, and especially in the midst of all else going on. The number of times we’ve talked with our kiddos about “someday when we can all play together again” is too many to count, and suddenly, we’ve lived that moment we’ve hoped and prayed for for so long. While we know things will shift again come fall and seasons where the weather turns colder and germs abound, this week, in the fresh air and sunshine, God made a way. And He reminds us to savor it–every last bit of it, and to recognize these answered prayers right before our eyes. It’s all so rich with undeserved grace.

This evening before coming home from birthday party pick up, we stopped at Menards for a few things. Through most of the store and out into the parking lot and all the way to the car, E and C each held my hands, one on either side. As we wandered through the parking lot, I thought to myself, “Soon this is all going to change,” and the bittersweetness of that moment will stick with me for a long time. Right now I have hands for both of them, but someone will have to graduate soon as I use at least one hand to push a stroller or carry a carseat. Of course, I’ll still hold hands as much as they’ll let me, but my two hands will be a little less free to embrace these babies of ours, just as we’ve all been for the past (nearly) five years. I am so ready for this growth for us in ways, and I am probably mourning other things at the same time. If nothing else, the past few years have taught me a lot about holding joy and grief together, and while I won’t suggest that the new stage we’re entering brings grief with it, there is still loss while there’s great gain. The dichotomy of holding both at the same time stretches us in our humanity, I think. And I feel like it gives me a glimpse into God’s heart, as I imagine He is always navigating through all of our lives with ample doses of grief and joy.

I woke up this morning thinking about gratitude and wanting to be grateful, and here at the end of the day, I can see that God honored that intention in ways I couldn’t have planned. These days of waiting are hard, but what’s growing out of them is far better than wishing time away and trying to rush through to the next thing. The next thing will come, or at least we pray it will come as we hope. And meanwhile, the things right here in front of me are goodness and kindness and mercy that humble me and pause restlessness in my heart. The good life is the life we’re afforded today. Tomorrow isn’t a promise, and I never want to take it for granted. I pray that God will give me the nudging and direction I need to continue to appreciate and value what’s right before me every day.

MM

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Naming Names, Part 2. (36)

Since the last post was a bit of a tease (though not intentionally), I thought tonight we could unpack the actual subject of baby names and where we’ve landed as we arrive at five-ish weeks left on the baby countdown.

Spoiler alert: We never share names before we introduce baby to the world, post-delivery. 😉

Now that we’ve got that bit out of the way, here’s a little more about our baby naming process and how it’s going this time around…

  1. Since we don’t find out baby’s gender, we try to take two boy names (1st and middle) and two girl names along with us to the hospital. You never know if baby will look remarkably like the first or second name, so it feels good to go in with options. So far, we haven’t had a baby who either of us decided was something different than our top name pick once they were born. Can we go four for four? Time will tell.
  2. We’ve usually landed on baby names by this stage in pregnancy. This time around, I think it’s fair to say we likely know what we’d name the baby if they were born tomorrow, but we really haven’t fully committed to a name for either gender yet.
  3. Naming the baby is a huge part of the preparation process for me. Once we know what we’d choose, I feel so much better about heading to the hospital. Maybe that’s one sure-fire way to be sure I don’t go into labor too early?
  4. We care a lot about the meaning of a name. There have been so many that we both liked, but where the meaning was just something that didn’t strike us well. I guess that’s a tactic for shortening the list more quickly?
  5. I have a really hard time with people suggesting names. I don’t know. I just feel like it’s a super personal thing, and that if a name we absolutely love gets thrown out in conversation, I feel super awkward and bummed about it. I just want our babies to be the first ones to hear it, and for our rationale to be our own and not tied to anyone else’s thoughts or expectations. I don’t mean to get all soap-boxy about it, and I don’t have opinions about how other people go about the process. I just love the element of surprise for all when baby is here and suddenly it’s time to know who they are, boy or girl, full name and all of the fun details like weight and height and such.
  6. Our kids have LOTS of opinions about names. C will often just make up new sounds to suggest as names, but he also has strong feelings about what works for him and what doesn’t. H has been pretty quiet about it, but he mentions a name here of there from time to time that he likes. E is like I am. She likes to try out the names with all other kids’ names, likes to think about how they sound with our last name, and wants to consider how the name works through all stages of life. It’s true. If I can’t see this baby as a sweet old man or a little old lady with their name, it’s not likely to stay on the list.
  7. Our kids have all been true to their names so far. I love that. I love how God works, and I trust He has a name for each one of us before we’re ever born. I think this process matters to me so much because I want to honor whoever God has made each of our kiddos to be, and I think we can discern the right fit if we give it enough thought and time.
  8. After all of the suspense of waiting to know this baby’s gender, our kids have all agreed that they don’t want to know the baby’s gender or name before meeting him or her in person. Because of current visiting restrictions at the hospital, this means that our crew is up for waiting until we get home from the hospital to know who this little honeybee is! And since we’ve always wanted our kids to be the first to know before anyone else, it also means we won’t be making any announcements until a few days after baby is born. That feels so foreign and hard to me, but I know it’s super important to honor our commitment, so we’ll be tight lipped for a few days until we can be home together as a family of six. Six! How crazy and amazing is that?!
  9. I’ve had a hunch on gender each time so far and started thinking of baby as their name before ever knowing if they were a boy or girl. This time, I’m really not sure at all. I’d love to be able to say I went four for four on guessing baby’s gender, but I don’t think I’ll have a set guess for this one. If I had to bet, I’d wager, but it would be something like a 52/48 split.
  10. One fun fact for good measure: Jason and I have always agreed on names for our children. Not once have we gone in to have a baby and disagreed or still held things up for debate. I’m not sure why we’ve been so in sync on this, since our styles vary greatly in many other ways, but it’s truly a sweet spot every time to be of one mind as we decide together.

So, there we have it. Baby Names 101 in our household. It’s such a privilege to name a baby, and I’m so honored by the chance to do it once more. Now if only to land on some options before too many more days get away from us…

MM

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Naming Names. (37)

If I were to make lists of the things that are most helpful and least helpful in this season, it would probably be both a cathartic exercise and a good memory to look back on later. Not that I’d ever make such lists or name names like that, but you know, if I did, the “most helpful” list would likely look something like this:

Most Helpful Things When 8+ Months Pregnant for the 4th Time:

-Extra rest. I’m not sure where to find it, but goodness, a nap is a necessary boost some days

-Children who are willing to do a reasonable amount of chores for their ages, and who are aware of their footprint on a space. This might forever be a work in progress, but…onward

-Someone else doing the hard-to-reach dishes

-A grabber so that attempted bending can be avoided

-A rented wardrobe for the last five weeks of pregnancy, since just a few things fit over my belly by now

-Freedom to set aside any other chores or responsibilities and *only* work on baby/nesting related tasks around the house

-One last room painted before the baby arrives because I’m not to be trusted on a ladder at this stage

-A personal chef (this probably applies to all seasons of life, not just the very pregnant ones)

-Time, time, time, time, time

-Ample amounts of gratitude for and savoring of where we are, from all parties, because this season is sweet and short-lived, and I for one sure am going to miss it when it’s gone (even though I can’t wait to meet this babe)

That’s ten, so I’ll stop there. This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor is it meant to be a rant or anything like it. Honesty just feels good, and someday when I’m far from my pregnant days, I also want to remember what this felt like and what other pregnant mamas in my proximity might need or wish for as they grow their babies, too.

MM

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Heart Preparations Revisited. (38)

Today I came across my post from when I was 39 days before my due date with E, almost exactly eight years ago. The words from then are so spot on to what I’m feeling right now, so I’m going to borrow them back from myself here, with an addendum.

July 16, 2013: “There is a lot of time between the moment you find out you’re pregnant and the day you head to the hospital to deliver a baby. A lot of time. Or at least it feels that way, until you’re suddenly just five or so weeks from your due date and baby’s arrival is somehow coming up fast. You start to think of all the things you want to be sure to have done before the little one is born…of all the things you feel like you should do: nursery prep, home organization, deep cleaning, LOTS of baby laundry, more organizing, mentally preparing your other child(ren), catching up on play dates and correspondence, fitting in dates with your spouse, getting some sleep, etc. And above and beyond all that, of course, readying yourself emotionally and mentally for the big day and major life change that’s around the corner.

Is it possible that we can distract ourselves so much with the details of how everything looks and feels aesthetically, that we can miss the opportunity to really prepare our heads and hearts for one of the biggest and greatest days of our whole life?

I’m so thankful that God is slowing my pace down enough to find moments to remind me…Molly, let’s focus on your head and heart. The rest can wait if necessary, but get that part settled first…”

July 13, 2021: Yes. This is exactly right, and so true to things I’ve wrestled in these past weeks. The difference now is that I’m eight years down the line and I think I’ve learned a thing or two about where my focus needs to be. I’m still preoccupied with the other details, and I’m still nesting a great deal (which doesn’t feel like it’s to be avoided), but eight years is a long time to have spent working on my head and heart, and I can certainly mark some progress. I’m more at home in my own skin, more ready and able to advocate for myself, more comfortable being honest about what I want and need, more practical about what’s achievable and what I need to put down. I’m not sure if the people around me always feel like I’m setting more down, but my once non-negotiables have changed. I’m taking things off of my to do/wish list regularly and working on being ok with what I can’t accomplish.

Two more children down the line, life is very different. Expecting this fourth baby, there’s obviously a different dynamic surrounding me than there was with one toddler in tow. Our family has changed a lot, we’ve been through a lot, the world is a different place in ways. It’s just not all the same equation that it was before. Given this, there’s arguably still a learning curve, but it’s a learning curve with eight years more experience behind it, and that’s something.

Eight years ago, I wrote about how I was going to potentially switch doctors after some challenging developments with my original practitioner. I didn’t know then that I’d have a new doctor only two days later–one who has since delivered two of our babies and who is seeing me through this pregnancy, too. His presence and perspective have been a gift all these years, and I’m still grateful to this day for that season back then, when my heart said I needed to consider a change. I trust my mama instinct now more than ever, and even as I was learning where to find it, it was serving me well. I can look back and be confident that just as God was leading in those days, He is leading me still.

I can’t end this post better than I did in 2013, so I’m going to quote the last bit of that reflection to end today’s. It’s exactly how I feel again as I marvel at all that is in front of me. What kindness and goodness flows!

July 16, 2013: “I love these moments at the end of the day, when it’s often just me and baby here on the couch. I watch him or her move without reservation in my belly, and I am reminded of the miracle of all of this…the incredible answer to many prayers that this baby has been all along, and the amazing process that God has designed for us as human beings. How did something so very small and microscopic already grow to have such a prominent place in my belly? In our lives?

Nine months, give or take a bit. All the time in the world and yet, not quite enough to prepare ourselves for the inevitable surprises and delights of childbirth and bringing a whole new person home to love and care for from here on out. I’m working on getting there, with some handful of weeks to go. And when the day arrives, I’ll be praying like crazy for God to bridge any gaps left over–that I would embrace the day with zero reservation and approach this new experience with complete joy in every bit of the process.”

Embracing the patterns and rhythms I’m offered and hopeful to keep growing through the opportunity to revisit them again,

MM

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Small Victories. (39)

These days, I’m learning all the more to appreciate the power of the “little win.” I forget how much effort it takes sometimes to get the troops out of the house or to appointments, and I definitely underestimate the empowering feeling of successfully running errands with everyone in tow. But when we do it, goodness. It does feel good. I think I’ve always been sort of bent toward having the adventure versus staying home, though in the last year or more, becoming a homebody was certainly easier (if not mandatory) that it’s been for me before. Having been home so much, it’s almost like I’d forgotten just how much we all enjoy getting out, too. And there are days when I’m just not up for it and days when I wish we’d kicked ourselves out of the house, so there’s a balance to strike, for sure.

I foresee the days I’d like to tuck in at home, and they’re coming. They’ll probably arrive right around the time everyone is back to school and schedules are in full swing again. That transition period will be interesting for us all, but then fall will arrive and we’ll start to get into the hibernation mode that comes with chilly weather, and for a while I imagine it will feel so good and timely that the seasons are changing in that direction.

Today we went to a play outdoors in the rain, followed by lunch out and three dentist appointments for the kids. I might have been a little tired at the end of it all, but mostly, it felt like an accomplishment to have had an experience together and three successful appointments checked off the list. I have to hand it to our crew, too, because they handled rainy weather and dentist chairs like champs today, which made me awfully proud and grateful. To see our four year old walk confidently down the hall with the hygienist on his own feels like grace and also like time is moving too quickly. I couldn’t help but think, “Who is this young man and how did he grow up so fast?” when I went down the hall to check on him and he didn’t need me there a bit. It’s so cool to watch our kids come into their own. It’s also so sweet of God to give us another chance to watch a little one grow up from the start. My heart has not been ready to kiss the baby years goodbye.

Tonight as I look at tomorrow’s plans and the next day’s and the next, I’m going to try to keep my eyes on the little wins–the moments when everyone is content or getting along, or when all have recently been fed and no one is clamoring for another snack or wondering about dinner time. We’re going to celebrate the days when we get out and about and hold ourselves together, and if I’m learning anything in these years of parenting, we’re also going to celebrate the good times in the midst of outings that didn’t go so well, but that had shining moments in the mix of what felt hard. We’re going to get the ice cream (because I’m learning to live a little in my old age), head out to the beach for an impromptu sunset (speaking this into our lives because we surely need more of it!), stay out in the rain when we’re not yet ready to come inside and sprinkle all the to dos and errands (that we can manage without breaking) in between the fun things.

There’s a lot of summer to be lived yet, and I sure do intend to live it if we can. It might not feel like a season of giant leaps in areas I’d love to be leaping through, but it definitely feels like a better opportunity in many ways…the chance to appreciate what’s in front of us, the pattern of unscheduled days that allow room for small progress and rest, and a pace that feels healing instead of harmful, which benefits us all.

This is the summer of the little win. I’ll take it.

MM