MollyMadonna.com

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a lesson. (40)

Dear Button (will you find it strange one day that I used to call you that?),

Here’s a little nugget of wisdom from your mama’s heart: sometimes, enough is enough and too much is too much. And when that happens, it’s ok if little things fall to the wayside for a moment while you pick yourself back up. This blog post is a perfect example.

I was trying awfully hard yesterday to push through a long, challenging number of hours, and before bed, I wanted terribly to fulfill my commitment to you by writing here. I sat down with my computer when it was already quite late, and I began to type. I think I attempted this for an hour or so, nodding off a dozen times and trying fervently to get back to the page. Unfortunately, the day had had already taxed me to the max. I never did get the post off and running well. I kind of let myself down, to be honest, but I know in the grand scheme that you’ll understand. I should have gone to bed and rested well so that I could take the best care of you possible. I’m sorry for that.

The past few days have been so interesting–a blend of the joy I have in carrying you and the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy, mixed with really hot days and the temper of a toddler flaring all around me. And there’s the to do list of course, and the way that your crib came out of the box damaged on Sunday, and your daddy’s thesis bearing down on him, and your grammy trying to move to town this week. Projects. Deadlines. An extra day at work. Life is just feeling SO full. I’m not complaining (or not trying to) little one. Just recognizing that the deck is stacked in favor of me being a little extra run down this week–acknowledging, too, that your mama needs a Savior on this day as much as any other. Thank goodness for Christ and the knowledge of Him–for the Holy Spirit and the presence of otherworldly peace when on this side of Heaven, it could easily feel like there was little to spare.

I guess all I’m saying to you, dear baby, is that you can’t possibly lean on your own strength or circumstances at all times. Hardly ever, really, if you want to live in the joy that God has for you in this earthly life. I pray that you will grow to press in deeply to God. That your roots will be firmly planted in Truth, and that your first inclination will be to fix your eyes on Christ. Never mind any deadlines or pressure, ingratitude or attitudes that surround you. Just keep pressing into what you know…that you are Loved, Loved, Loved beyond understanding, and that God created you to shine His light in the world regardless of your daily circumstances.

I’m going to head into this day making my best effort to shine, despite feeling a bit dim in my heart. The God of the Universe can fill in the gaps for me today. I trust He will, if I ask Him.

you are 40 days away or so, sweet button. i can’t hardly stand the beauty of all that, no matter what else is coloring the moment. keep doing an amazing job growing! my belly says that you’re making a really good effort 😉

love you always.

your mama

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good things take time. (48)

As I write this, my 400th post at mollymadonna.com, I am reminded of how most things in life that matter take time. Writing matters to me, and documenting thoughts for my children matters to me, but I certainly couldn’t push through a history of blog posts in one evening. 400 posts have taken me the better part of three years to write. Clearly, I haven’t been diligent to blog every single day, or to just hop on the blog whenever a thought crossed my mind. There are a lot of unexpressed ideas in and amongst 400 entries–things I’ve wanted to say and didn’t, things I’ve wanted to say and couldn’t, things I haven’t wanted to say at all, but that matter somewhere in my heart.

All of this time has passed, and for it, there are tangible things to show: three pregnancies, the birth of our first munchkin, this season of being full with child now. Changes in our home, adjustments in our jobs, new friends, deepened relationships, joy, loss, sorrow, healing, growth at the ready. Some of it is written here, and some is tucked away for another day. Regardless, I hope that those who have journeyed with me here have felt included, welcomed, free to be authentic, relieved sometimes at the normalcy of my humble little life and family. Sharing a part of myself is both a blessing and a joy. 

So much of what I have always wanted has been a process of baby steps and patience and slow but tangible progress. Carrying babies, certainly. Obtaining my doula certification. The ever-changing shape of our home and how we use it to the fullest in different seasons. Building deep and lifelong friendships. Learning various skills. Honing my ability to be grace-filled and gracious, slow to anger, rich in love. All of the most important things in life (for me) have taken time. Good, valuable, stretched out time. There’s no use rushing what is good. And I’ve learned over the years that if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not, I can either force it and arrive at a result I don’t love, or mourn it for a while and let it go. The latter seems to be less painful in the long run. I’m still practicing. 

I don’t know if I would have guessed a decade ago that this life would be my life. In fact, I suppose I’m certain I had no idea. And there’s been so much beauty and surprise and redemption in it that I can’t possibly look back and question whether God has had his hand on me the whole time, quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) guiding my steps. I haven’t always chosen the easy road, but the hard roads have taught me invaluable lessons I go back to again and again. Growing in Christ and marriage and motherhood and friendship have all seasoned me in ways I can’t regret. I know that God is doing a work in me, and my hands are open and facing upward, longing to be led by the One who knows me best and knows what’s best for me. 

I still have a lot to learn. 

But I’m thankful. Thankful that here, there is a record of so much of the growth and shaping I’ve encountered in the past three years–the past 400 posts. And I’m thankful that this space is still and open book, with plenty more room for page after page of (hopefully) valuable reflection, even if I’m the only one thumbing back through chapters here after a time. 

Another 47 posts from now, I’ll be writing about our newest addition and all of the joy that he or she is bringing, so fresh in our lives, or I’ll be doing my best to practice patience as we await his or her arrival. Either way, more growth, more change, more of this life, here for the savoring. Certainly, it’s all worth celebrating, even if the party is here on the page and I’m the only one marveling at the blessing of it all. If you’re here, consider this your cordial invitation to join me!

love from this two dimensional, communal space. and my heart.

mm 

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halfway and smiling. (50)

What a climb it’s been to this peak–50 days and counting down! That’s the top of the hill for this 100 day challenge, and I’m thrilled and can’t believe it at the same time. 50 posts marking this pregnancy and 50 posts for the babe to (hopefully) someday thumb through, laugh at, cherish. Worth every minute.

This week I’ve been working hard to see God’s goodness in the big and small things, and to note it for my own sake. Logging the places where God shows up so clearly is helpful in any season, but especially in this one as I prepare my heart for what He will do in, through, and with this little person who is soon coming into our lives. I want to be so attuned to God’s presence, and I so desperately need to be as baby’s birthday draws near.

One of the most apparent ways God has extended His love in my life this week is through the abundance of relationships that bless my days. I was talking to J earlier and just sharing how I feel so surrounded right now–by amazing mamas, dear, dear friendships, people who have just swept in and blessed my spirit in the most perfect timing. I wasn’t feeling lonely by any means, but this week, it’s almost as if God has chosen to remind me of all of these beautiful, life-giving relationships at once…a pick-me-up I probably needed after an emotionally trying week last week.

I’m just beyond grateful.

When I look back on the past few days and recall their contents, there’s been so much good. I hope I never forget that, or the feeling it’s all left behind. I think we’ve turned a corner on some things that have been stopping up my joy, but the beauty of that is simply that it was all still there–just bottlenecked and waiting to flow out. I pray that it continues to flow generously, and that my joy not only radiates in my life, but that it passes on to others. Goodness knows, the joy of others has been filling me up and blessing me all week long! Time to pay it forward with intention 🙂

50 to go. or maybe a few more or less, give or take. feels so good.

mm

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savoring the good. (65)

Remember last week, when I posted a few simple photos of a delightfully sunny afternoon and the uplifting lunch I shared with a handful of lovely women? My photos were mere child’s play, but the photographer talent on the Embolden Team did a much better job of capturing our afternoon together, complete with mouth-watering shots of a good deal of our menu. Read my reflection of our time together and drool over some fabulous images from the day here on the Embolden blog. The linked post does our day much more justice than I’d previously done.

How does this relate to my 100 day challenge and prep for the baby and such? Well, in a few ways, I suppose. For one, last week was a challenging week, and I was needing a bit of a pick me up (or a distraction, rather), from the discomfort I was sorting through. Enter this picturesque day, coupled with a visit from my mama, and things were quite a bit more tolerable and pleasant by the end of the week.

On top of that, I was kind of forced to work through some insecurities about my growing shape and protruding bump that I may not have faced–had it not been for needing to just overcome it and be comfortable with cameras around all afternoon. People can say some lovely things, but some majorly lack a filter when it comes to pregnant bellies, and mine always feels polarizing. Either I’m on top of the world after a social encounter and conversation about the bump, or I’m walking away scratching my head and trying to figure out how to stay positive when the world can be so negative sometimes. Fortunately for me, you kind of have to make peace with yourself to be around a camera–whether you’re in the shots or not, and the few images that I have seen from the day just make me feel grateful. Since I’m making an effort to find celebration in every aspect of this pregnancy, I think I can safely just love that there are a few photos floating around of me in my rounded out state. I’ll miss this when it’s gone.

Lastly, if and when the Button thumbs through these posts someday, I hope that he or she will glean from the above that life is worth savoring. Sometimes, you just have to take a little time out from the norm to do something that heightens your senses and makes you feel more fully alive. There’s nothing wrong with this, and in fact, I think we’d die inside a little bit if we didn’t just stop to smell the roses here and there. Celebrate the small and good and healthy things in life, babes of mine. Celebrate and savor as often as you can.

I’m so glad that we’re on this 100 day journey together, sweet little person! It causes me to take pause each day, and to reflect what is happening in my heart, body, soul and mind as we grow together. You’re doing a really great job…only 9ish weeks to go until we can celebrate the beauty of the simple things in this world side by side!

savoring whenever possible,

mm

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let the games begin. (100)

Nearly two and a half years ago, I was checking the calendar and adding up the days between January and one particular date glimmering in the distance. April 30th. My official due date for the then-growing baby in my basketball-ish belly. As I counted, I realized I was a mere 102 days away from said date. My competitive self kicked into gear, and the writer in me got a little tenacious. Was it possible to blog about all things baby, my pregnancy, and life in the third trimester for 100 straight days? And if I could do it, would I have captured something worthwhile for our future first-born to read and enjoy? I decided the challenge was necessary, and not 48 hours later, it began.

What transpired over the next several months was a joyful celebration of all that was happening in our lives as we prepared for our little bug. When I think back to that season, I don’t remember every detail well. I remember enjoying pregnancy and waiting with great anticipation. And I remember getting the house ready, having baby showers, blogging late at night to keep up with my little self-challenge here at mollymadonna. I can’t say how grateful I am that for 100 days (well, 94, as it turned out) before Henry’s 6-day early arrival, I documented the goings-on of life all around me. It was a beautiful season, and looking (or reading) back on it is a joy.

That being said, I’ve watched the countdown on my phone for a few weeks now, knowing that this pregnancy was creeping ever-closer to the 100 day mark. I can hardly believe it’s true, but TODAY IS THE DAY(!) and tomorrow, we’re already headed into double digits as we await the Button’s arrival in the world. When I blogged for Henry for 100 days, a number of people joked about how I should “just wait”–that I would never do this for a second born, in the same way that first babies have scrapbooks and future siblings are lucky to get a few photos in a box here or there. Now, I may not scrapbook with the best of them, but I do want to leave a legacy for each of our children…and I feel like I can start that here, on this humble little blog, one day at a time. So, I’m back at it. And “just wait” couldn’t possibly shake my motivation, because I love this tiny munchkin just as much as I loved Henry in-utero two and a half years ago. Life may be busier, yes, but I’m still a mama from sun up to sun down, who loves these precious gifts from God as much as anything else I’ve ever known. And capturing this season of life brings me a great deal of satisfaction and peace.

100 days have arrived on the calendar. Let the games begin!

Newest little person, If you read this someday, I hope you’ll know just how much I treasure you, and how much I adore carrying you around with me as you grow. You bring us all great delight already, and you’re not even here to hold! Your daddy and big brother and I are all quite excited to meet you in a mere 14ish weeks (or whenever you decide to make your entrance:). In the meantime, we will be busy preparing for your arrival, celebrating the Summer months, and staying as cool as possible. We love you with our whole hearts! I wish you could see how much joy you have added to our little world, and how grand we think it is that you’ll be here soon. 100 days, sweet bundle, give or take. You are a tiny miracle.

we can't wait to meet you! (three weeks ago...23 weeks along, at h's birthday party)

we can’t wait to meet you! (three weeks ago…23 weeks along, at h’s birthday party)

keep up the good work rolling around in my belly. you are safe and cozy and welcome there, and i am amazed by your presence. love you forever and ever.

your mama