I had a moment tonight, after Henry had been awake for nearly five hours straight and I stood rocking him back and forth in the nursery in the dark, where I found myself thinking, “I just can’t keep doing this. How can I possibly keep doing this?” And as though God sat waiting for me to arrive at that very thought, the little voice in my head reminded me of this, “There is a tremendous supply of strength to draw on from the Lord.”
Oh how I’ve called on God in these past seven weeks as a new mom! Sometimes it’s all I can do to say, “God, I really need you right now,” often without knowing entirely what I’m asking for or how I’m going to get through the next minute or hour if He doesn’t come through. But here I sit. Another day under my belt with a newborn and I’m not a total wreck–at least in the sense that I’m still surviving the hardest parts and figuring things out day by day. Inside though, I’m as broken as ever; I’ve not done anything more trying…then been fulfilled by that very thing at the same time. I’ve never been more tired, more frustrated, or more stretched in my whole life. And I’ve never been more attentive, more loving towards, or more sold out for anything before, either. The peaks and valleys of new-motherhood have permeated every fiber of who I am.
To say that my life is currently defined by this new role as “mommy” is certainly true. But it’s important to note that it’s being refined by it as well. Only in moments when we’re broken do we realize just how much we need God. And it isn’t that we shouldn’t recognize this in the same way regardless of life’s circumstances, but our thirst for God’s presence and our desire to meet Him is certainly heightened when life turns up the heat. Quite positively, God is ready and waiting for us in these moments, too. I’m sure of this tonight as I begged for help just an hour or so ago…my mind has been filled with encouraging Scripture ever since. How important it is then, not only that we call on God, but that we allow His Word to saturate our souls in such a way that we are able to call upon His promises at any turn. The more I prioritize God in my life, the more I am readily able to reach out in confidence that I will hear His voice when I ask for help.
Tonight I am drawing on God’s strength and not my own. Mine is tucked away somewhere…perhaps back a few days or weeks when sleep was more abundant and I couldn’t quite yet see the days ahead. As I fall asleep tonight, I’m going to rest in the promises given to me this evening:
-The Lord is the everlasting God. The Creator of Heaven and Earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding…Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles, the will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40.28 & 31
-I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 121.1 & 2
-The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. Exodus 14.14
indeed. i’m so thankful that God is forever looking after my heart,
(and on the subject of hearts, this little guy continues to grasp tightly to mine…)