The past few snow-filled, white-everywhere-I-look days have gotten me thinking (or more accurately, stewing). I’m not a big fan of stewing, I’ll admit. I’ll also concede that for someone who doesn’t enjoy the exercise very much, I am, somewhat unfortunately, quite good at it. This does not bode well when I’m cooped up indoors with our toddler and staring down walls (read cupboards, closets, corners, dust bunnies, piles, and to dos) I would otherwise breeze by on our way to something more adventurous and fun.
The task of being in my (our) own space lately has started to feel like exactly that–a task. And it’s not because anyone else would drop by and be aghast at our style of living or the daily condition of our home (Well, maybe you would, I don’t know. But I’m not going to start losing sleep over that at this very moment). It’s just that I see 101 things in any given day that I’d love the time/energy/willpower/organizational prowess/Pinterest motivation to change around here, and it’s beginning to chip away at my self esteem and personal progress. Am I sounding at all rational/relatable/normal? Do you have any idea what I mean?
I’m sure you do. I’m practically counting on it. I know I’m not the lone mama here who wishes she could get more done in a day. But the thing of it is, when H’s nap time rolls around after lunch, and I’ve spent all morning in my best attempt to be loving and patient and engaged and consistent (and fun!), I am ready for a break. I am not (most days) ready to tackle that linen closet, the basement, the file cabinet that needs thinning out, or the guest room that’s become a catch all since the last guest went home. I’m just not. And for this reason, I wander around in the afternoon quiet of our completely livable and mostly kept up house, and I allow myself to feel inadequate instead of at home. There is something wrong with this, I’m sure. And there’s probably a reason I’m putting it here. The art of contentment is an art for sure.
Please hear me when I say that I’m really just fine, and that this isn’t some sort of confessional plea to beg for infinite wisdom or help. (Although regular wisdom I’ll happily consider, if you have some to offer;) I’m nearly certain that there are those of you reading who have given this train of thought an “Amen!” once or twice, and probably others who are thinking, “Just wait until you have more than one kid to juggle someday!” I don’t begrudge you either angle. I have nothing to complain about and I know it fully. But I do have my snowed in days like everyone else :)
When I look around at life in our little world, in this house, in my mostly simple and fretless days, I do feel the good. And I am blessed beyond blessed by what we have here–our space, our memories, our trio, lined up like soldiers on the floor each night for story time. There is an abundance of life here, and much gratitude that comes with it. Still, I can’t help (in moments), feeling like I owe it all more…I owe us more, and God more, than I accomplish in 24 hours time. I am living in the perfectly imperfect and hanging balance of young motherhood, just wanting to serve well and do well and be good in every sense. And even still, wanting a nap more than I want my floors sparkling clean; praying for the stamina and discipline and wherewithal to lead an honorable life in every day.
This dance we do with ourselves, with our parenting, with our expectations and aspirations and hearts–it is clear evidence of our humanity and of our (my) great need for something bigger than myself and these worldly things to hang my hat on. Thank goodness my self worth is not found in the state of my bathroom countertop or the order of every keepsake and photo tucked away within these walls. Now if only I could remember this exact truth on days like today, when every task calls after me from it’s position, stealing away the joy that’s to be found in the still of winter, tucked away at home with my boy….I have much to learn!
so grateful for God’s patience with me as i toddle along. it doesn’t look like the snow will be letting up soon, so i may as well embrace the grace that falls with it, no?