In the interest of being real, and of capturing where I’m truly at on this pregnancy journey at the moment, I’m just going to say it: I’m nearing my max. This actually has very, very little to do with how I feel about continuing to carry a baby around in my belly, or even the physical implications of such as they bleed into each of these days. The baby, God has equipped me to handle. I feel the same way about the aches and pains and nagging symptoms of pregnancy. Those are fairly covered. I don’t have a whole ton of room for much else.
I’m not wanting to sound intolerant or whiny, so I hope that’s not what this honesty seems like on the page. But I’m also unable to pretend that I feel great about all that’s going on around me, or that I feel like I could handle a whole bunch more without something cracking a little beneath my feet. This is one of those hard parts that’s just going to be hard for a bit. I’m attempting my peace with it…saying it out loud helps a little as a place to start.
There’s a lot going on. Yep, we’re still totally blessed and have “first world problems” that are mostly manageable. And then there are things that aren’t resolvable overnight, things that will simmer (and have simmered), things that at nearly 37 weeks pregnant, I’m just not as good at dealing with right now as I am at other times. I want to be my best self in this season, but the fact of the matter is, my best isn’t the same right now. Pregnancy and motherhood to a toddler make it different, on top of the rest of the mix. I am leaning heavily on God for grace–not just to stand, but to enter into this welcoming season for the Button with some level of peace and calm and resolve and internal strength. I know that God can fill the gaps; I just feel like the gaps right now are more like major divots for Him to fill.
So life is imperfect and it continues to prove itself so, and I am imperfect and continue to prove myself so as well. After a week that has thrown us all in different directions geographically and left little time for recovery, several days of irritations like crazy-long (hour long?!) hold times on frustrating phone calls for various reasons, a body that is feeling the weight of these last weeks and experiencing new limitations with a toddler in tow, and some pretty challenging stressors that can only be bathed in prayer and left to wait, I’m attempting to stick to what I know and what works and what I’m able to impact safely and sensibly. This is a hugely trying thing for me and my fix-it, solve-it, resolve-it, and make it all look nice personality. Perfectionism is not actually my friend…
Where the wee one is concerned:
Someday down the road, little Button, know that in all of this, you have been at the forefront of my mind. In every moment. In every decision. As I look forward and plot out days and lists and plans and hopes, and as I do my best to squelch fear and look to God for truth and all of the good.
There is still so much good. I’m just digging harder to find it. And digging is proving a little less lighthearted these days, at this stage of the game. You are the silver lining, Button of mine. You and your sweet big brother. In all of it. Always the silver linings, my dears.
thankful for the good parts. pressed, but not crushed.