My fingers have just been itching to get back to this keyboard. Life has been so full in these past months, and full of mostly wonderful things, but it’s just the nature of this season for me to run out of time and brainpower at the end of the day to sit down and write. As with all things we care about in life, this has been an area I’ve had to make peace with as I put it on hold. This, along with others like yoga, reading for pleasure, and cleaning the house to the fullest extent have waited patiently for me as I’ve danced along the wire, balancing new and beautiful and trading joy for joy. I don’t take this for granted, but I am so grateful that, from my vantage point today, there is so much good to juggle.
There has been plenty brewing under wraps here as spring comes around. We surprised Henry and Eloise with a trip to Disney World in April, celebrating Henry’s fifth birthday while we were away (this will earn its own post/s soon, just as quickly as I pick my favorites from the 2,500 photos we have from the week). It was the first time since I can remember that we completely unplugged and got away as a quad, which was timely and necessary and fulfilling and a ton of fun. We’ve also been whittling away at small home projects here and there in prep for warmer and fuller days ahead, and we’ve enjoyed longer visits with family in town. We’re doing our best to rest a little more, to clear things out that we no longer need, and to be practical about what we can balance well as a family. It’s true that there’s no such thing as perfect balance, but there is definitely manageable vs. crazy, and we’re learning as we keep growing together than the former brings out the better in all of us. I love us as a team.
Coloring all of those moments and casting beautiful light on the ones ahead is my ever growing belly week by week. It’s true. After a long time of wondering what the future of our family might hold, and after countless prayers for another baby, God has graciously entrusted another little one to us to love. As I sit here, my 20 week old bump is full of life–baby’s kicks and movements dance within, bringing me great, great joy every time.
Life is full of surprises, and I’m discovering day by day that I’m still healing from past loss and battling back fear while I try to simply trust in God’s plan. This gets easier week by week, but it’s not lost on me that faith is in the things we cannot see, not the things we can tangibly hold. Each week my belly grows, this pregnancy is, more and more, something I can physically see and experience. And I know that God is calling me through this process to learn to give everything–all of it–over to Him again and again. I have to die to self every day to drown out the voices that are not His. I have to make a concerted effort to lean on the understanding that this baby is God’s and not our own–that His ways are higher than ours, and that every day there is life within me is one to treasure.
Remember the beginning of this year, when I committed to light as my word for 2016? In this pregnancy and so much else, God has been faithful to me to offer a direct path toward light and lightness and letting go. I want to be a good steward of these things, and so I pray that I will keep discovering the depth and marrow in each step of the way. I am terrible at this some days, and better at it on others. No doubt the sweet reminder of God’s goodness to us, increasing right in front of me daily in the mirror, has been a healing balm over wounds on my heart. In a way, nothing has changed–I am working to hand the unknown over to God every single day. And in a way, so much is different. I dream ahead to the day when our babies will meet our newest little love, and all of me wants to burst. It’s impossible to contain the hopeful joy that comes from that place.
There is freedom in expecting God. He is full of wonder, and His graciousness brings me to my knees.
I am so thankful to finally be able to share this joy here with you. Together, we weather the good and the bad, the hard and the beautiful. As such a big piece of me and of our lives as a family, no longer keeping news of the Baby Bean quiet feels right and good. I look forward to where this journey will take us in the days to come. And I’m so glad to be back to the keys.
grace and peace,